Good Nights With Good Friends.

I love those nights where everything is simple and comfortable and those people that when you are with them it is not only okay to be your weird self, but it is expected and demanded. Despicable Me and singing our hearts out to good old country songs. Last night was awesome!

Things Being Tough.

I spent the better part of my life wanting life to be easy, hoping life would get easier, and doing everything possible to make life as easy as I could. But now, I wonder why we all aim for that so much? I don't want an easy life anymore. None of my perfect Savior's life was easy so why should mine be? I was hugely reminded last night driving home why I am here and by here I don't mean earth, but here in Hinesville. Guys, all of you are going to feel your heart break over something or someone and you will all get to that place where you must choose whether you will harden your heart and let life slide into monotony and being lukewarm or forsake everything to follow Him who called you in the beginning. It is a tough choice either way because either way you lose something great. You either lose the ability to serve others completely or in choosing to serve them by loving Jesus with your whole heart you then forsake yourself. We all expect to have long lives with plenty of time to make decisions and fix mistakes, but what if we only have twenty years or five or what if we only have today? We all hear people say no one is promised tomorrow, but do any of us ever really think that? We should. Serve today, love today, decide today. What if today is all we have?

The Saints Before Me.

I am so grateful today for the Christians who chose to deny themselves and live for Christ. I am especially thankful for the ones who had a personal impact on my life. I will never forget the first time I stumbled upon someone praying for me out loud. I will never forget my mother lifting me up daily and for specific reasons. I will never forget Traci stopping everything to pray for me whether it was in person on over the phone or in a message. Most people will promise to pray for you, but there is something powerful about someone doing it immediately. Another powerful memory I have is at Global during summer camp. Before the last night of worship we would be on our faces praying for our kids out loud by name. There was this incredible feeling of togetherness in our being huddled together and on our face in petition. I hope to carry on this legacy of the saints.

Investing.

I have been learning about investing in others lives lately. It can be so easy and even tempting to just focus on yourself and your life and justify that in so many ways. But we are called to live life together and sometimes that means getting down into the muddy, dirty, sticky, dark, painful, complicated lives of others and loving them where they are. We can't wait for our lives to look pretty or others lives to look pretty to live life with them. Christ reached down into the hole we had dug for ourselves and loved us right there and then loved us more by lifting us out. We need to be doing that. We can't throw all of the attention on ourselves and we can't ignore the needs of others. We rejoice together. We suffer together. We live life together.

Christian Siblings.

I am so thankful for my Christian brothers and sisters. They are a constant support and encouragement to me. I had a job interview today and I received text messages and phone calls all day offering prayers and love. I honestly do not know how people that are not Christians and do not have this support make it. It is amazing to have people to live life together with, people who believe the same things as you and know you and go through every stage of your life together with you. So, thank you guys out of the deepest part of my heart for the prayers, support, and encouragement!

Moments With You.

I spent the evening at the pool, being eaten alive with mosquitoes and listening to the pool water splash. Just me and God. Just talking and hanging out together. These moments are my favorites because I feel so close to Him. I talk and listen. He talks and listens. He is a much better listener than I am and much wiser in what He says. I leave feeling the kind of contentment and satisfaction in Him I think Paul talks about. There is nothing like it.

Watching Prayers Get Answered.

So many are getting answered lately. 1. I might be starting school in the Spring doing Liberty Online! 2. I have a job interview Monday for the job I wanted most. 3. I am getting a chance to really live life with my brother and his wife and learn more about them. 4. Ia m getting a chance to pour into Korean Pre-teen girls through teaching Sunday school. 5. I am absorbing the Bible like crazy and learning a TON. Just a little update.

The Surpassing Knowledge of Knowing Christ my Savior.

I have much to be thankful for such as friends, family, being provided for, but nothing compares to having Christ as my Savior. I have passed from death to life! I am saved! I have purpose! God is good and His love endures forever!

Word.

I was reading the book of John today on the way home and it was like reading it for the very first time. My problems are big, but my God, He is so much bigger.

Thankful.

Today was just about the best Thanksgiving even though it is not Thanksgiving yet. I spent the weekend at my parents with my brother and Jackie. It wasn't planned, but it turned out to be a very simple, very peaceful day with the family.

Mornings of Childlike Worship.

Playing my guitar by the pool is becoming one of my favorite ways to worship. It is just me clumsily strumming my beat up guitar and squeaking out words to my God. Hopefully there is enough space between here and there that my voice sounds a little better by the time it gets there.

Friendship.

Today was just so good. I thought I was going to be so lonely here and I have been at times. But God, who is so infinitely good, has provided the most amazing friends for me here as well. Yujin is my best new friend. She lives in the same apartment complex as I do and so I always have a Christian sister near. We went to Savannah today with her husband to see the Veteran's Day parade, which was Yujin's first parade. It was cold, but in the frosty, rosy cheeks, crisp kind of cool that only fall as and even though our fingers got numb and we kept dropping our phones it was a wonderful, wonderful day.

Being Tested Through Fire.

I heard a quote today by a friend of a friend. She said "Fire isn't torture because you're not trash." And I was like "Wow." We tend to fear being tested in the flames because it is like we think God is going to let us burn up. Do we really trust Him so little? He doesn't put us through the fire to torture us, He puts us through it to purify us. She is right. We won't burn up in the furnace of His love because we aren't garbage. We are precious metals that need refinement. Don't hate the furnace and don't fight it. Let it purify you.

Recharged.

I had an awesome visit to Dalton this week. There were a few disappointments and setbacks, but everything worked out. I am doing better than expected with the long drive. I am actually loving long road trips and I think the more I drive them the shorter they will seem. Also, although I would love to be around my friends all of the time, it is so exciting to visit because the anticipation is overwhelming. So, now I feel recharged and ready to continue my mission here. I have been encouraged, loved, and filled with brotherly and sisterly fellowship.

Uncomfortable.

I am so out of my comfort zone right now. I am living with others instead of alone. I am jobless. I am in a unfamiliar place. I am away from all of my closest friends. I am churchless. But despite all of this "differentness" I am thankful. Growth tends to happen when we are forces out of the place where we feel most comfortable. I want to use this time for growth. I don't want to waste it. God, please don't let me waste it.

Opportunities to Serve Like Jesus.

It is a big change for me to be here. I have given up my independence for living with a young, married couple. I have given up from home for a military base. I have given up my friends for strangers. But through all of the things I have given up i was given in return the chance to love and serve my brother and his wife. And though i feel like i have lost much, i have not lost my Jesus. He is always with me. I miss my friends, but i am grateful to be given the chance to encourage and pray for them from afar. Maybe i will grow in prayer while i am here. It is easy to love people who are right next to you, my love for them from far away will be tried and tested as gold refined by fire now. My new journey has begun!

Seasons.

Life is changing now. In two days i will be headed off into the vast unknown to a life drastically different than mine has been these past two years. I am trading the familiar for the unknown, friends for family, independence for cohabitation, mountains for ocean. I am nervous, excited, totally pumped and then 5 minutes later hiding under a tree trying to belnd into the scenery. Haha oh dear! But God is in control. I want to follow Him wherever that may be. Here goes!

Mutual Encouragement.

I love Sundays. There is nothing more refreshing than being with others who adore the same God as you do. All week long i am bombarded with distractions, lured by temptations, confused, persecuted, and overwhelmed. Sundays i can walk in the door and see my family who have, all had a week similar to mine. We have all had the same struggles, fears, and battles. And then we can unite and strengthen one another, encourage, love on, pray with, and carry each others burdens. And after we have built one another up, we Worship. It is pure bliss. I love it. I can walk in with the heaviest heart and leave it there. I walk in wearing my armor of God that has been shot at all week and have it sharpened by my fellow soldiers. How amazing! How great is my God.

Joy beyond Understanding,

Lately God has flooded me with this unexplainable joy. Especially with His word. I have read the bible so many times, but never like i have now. All of the trials, pain, suffering and deep, raw emotions over this past year have given me a whole new love and perspective when i read it. I never grasped the Psalms until i myself, like David was in the pit of my despair. I never truly felt Jeremiah's ache and grief until i myself ached over loved ones unrepentance. I never got the big deal about grace until i was shown the depth of my sin and desperation. This year has been incredibly painful, yet incredibly growing. I read the scriptures now and understand why i need to memorize them. My bible has become my most treasured and prized possession. I love to read it constantly. Time on my knees whether in praise or pain is always sweet. What an amazing God! What amazing grace!

Bad Days.

I know bad days seem like a strange thing to be thankful for, but i am. Today was the most busy, awful day at work ever. I was stressed to almost a breaking point and i couldn't get off fast enough. On the way home i was listening to some really good Christian music and i first felt it; that ache to sit at my Daddy's feet. I literally couldn't get home fast enough so that i could rest at His feet for a few minutes. There are lots of times that i like spending time with Him, but today was more than want. It was raw need; desperation. I HAD to be with Him or i was going to fall to pieces. So, if it takes stressful days, painful circumstances, and brokenness to want and need Him more, bring it.

Fellow Saints.

Church was amazing again today. At the end of the service a young girl named Joanna goes up to Pastor Paul and tells hims she has been having headaches and doesn't know why, and would the church pray for her. Well Paul invites any members of the church who would like to, to come pray with Joanna at the altar. A few minutes later i lift my head while Paul is praying and I am in awe to see almost the entire congregation including the whole youth group and most of the balcony kneeling side by side all around this young girl who was perhaps 8 or 9 and praying. It brought tears to me eyes to see the saints kneeling, lifting up petitions on behalf of each other. That's true church right there. I am blessed.

God's Word.

The bible has been straight up legit lately. I have been reading Romans and Hebrews which are now two of my favorite books now. They are packed with encouragement, Christian examples, promises and hope. Today i was reading Hebrews and chapter 12 talks about how we must throw off all weight and sin which clings to us. That got me to thinking. I feel so sluggish, tired, and weary sometimes. Hebrews was pretty clear why. I need to get rid of the sin in my life, the rituals, the distractions and keep my eyes heavenward. No wonder we are so useless as Christians often. We are so burdened by things that we have no energy to run the race we have been called to. Step up Christians! We are running the race, not of a lifetime, but an eternity. Let's get moving!

His Faithfulness.

I was lonely this evening. I was sitting on the floor of the bookstore not able to settle on anything in particular and thinking about how sad i was feeling. Normally the routine would be to repeat this activity all evening, however tonight i felt something drawing me to God's presence and promises. He said "Callie look at Me." One look is all it took for me to know that nothing else would ever satisfy. He whispers His love to me constantly and walking outside just a few minutes later i saw the most beautiful(in a very modest way) sunset. The sky wasn't a sunburst of bright reds and pinks and oranges. The sun was making its way slowly down and was a very bright, glowy yellow that was just far enough away that i could look at it directly without seeing black spots. I stood and stared at it breathlessly for untold minutes, almost in tears at the gift God has generously given me. Needless to say my heart was soothed. He is good.

Detail.

You know what astounds me? How incredibly into the details of my life my God is. He doesn't just care about the huge things, he cares about things that don't have to matter, but He lets them. He loves me enough to send me stars to say good morning because He knows i have to get up early every day. He loves me enough to put encouraging people in my life because He knows i get discouraged. He loves me enough to provide food for me in the most ingenious ways. I completely adore Him. More and more lately i have found myself longing to sit at His feet. Every chance i get for a few minutes of quiet time i sneak into a dark classroom or empty hallway to kneel before Him and just sigh. And not an exasperated sigh, but a sigh of relief at being at the feet of the one who holds my heart. It is the closest thing to heaven i have right now. We serve not just a great God, but a very personal, i want to get into the cracks of the details of your life and move kind of God. Wow.

My Lovelies.

I adore the kids in the youth group. I have been spending a lot more time with them lately and not a day goes by that one of them does not call or text me. I love hearing about their days and struggles and it is such a privilege to be a part of their lives in any way. They awaken a passion in my heart that the trials of adulthood can try to smother and i love them for that. I love to walk in and see them jumping up and down, giggling hysterically about nothing in particular and high on life. They can be quite contagious. They are what makes my heart beat with passion, they are what keeps me awake at night, and the reason i find myself on my face petitioning for them as often as they cross my mind. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for them this year. He has already been up to so much in their lives. How exciting to be a apart of this!

Church.

What the heck?! Church is getting legit lately. Every Sunday is full of salvations, testimonies or baptisms. It is awesome! God is doing some good stuff and i am in awe that He sees me fit to carry out any part of His will. I am humbled by the thought that He thinks of me. Can you believe that? The creator of the universe knows MY name and has ME on HIS mind? Wow.

Thankfulness.

It is a strange thing to be thankful for thankfulness and it is not quite what i am trying to say, but bear with me and by the end of this blog i may have explained myself better. Lately i have been overwhelmed with gratitude. I have been noticing God showing up in so many parts of my life that i have so often overlooked before. Life this morning i got called in to work very early, and at first i hesitated about saying yes. Boy, i am so glad that i didn't . I walked outside to the most spectacular star display i have seen in years. I am not sure why they were so bright this morning, but i knew God was excited enough about them to wake me up early to see them. it made my whole day.
Also, i have been so thankful for my close friendships lately. For a while i thought drama and emotions were going to tear some very precious friendships apart, but God showed that through humility, forgiveness and Agape Love friendships could be strengthened through tough times rather than destroyed. I am thankful for the painful patch we went through because we are so much stronger of friends now. God is so good. I really can't say that enough lately. He has been showing up in all of my close friends lives lately as well as my own. I am so excited to see what He is going to do next. Sorry if i didn't manage to get my point across.

Cleaning House.

God has been doing a ton of stuff lately! He has especially been active in my life. Lately He has been showing me that i have too much junk in my life. He has been providing opportunities for me to get rid of a lot of stuff that i never really needed(materialistically and emotionally) and we have been "cleaning house" together. I never realized how attached i was to material possessions that won't be going with me or negative friendships(new and old). He has also shown me how full of "junk" my heart is and we have been sweeping up a storm in there. God must have a little beaver in Him as well and we get along like sweet tea and apple pie :D Anyway i think all of this Summer cleaning is good and i will be packing very light when i travel to my brothers very soon. I am sad to be leaving my friends and my church family for so long, but i know where i am being called and i know better than to ignore that calling. I know my friends will be praying for me and encouraging me while i am away just as if i were here and i will be doing the same for them. In fact it will be like i am on a missionary journey like Paul in most of his letters and we can "remember each other constantly in our prayers) and write letters of encouragement! This is going to be so cool!

The Good Stuff.

Last night was definitely one of the favorites in my collection of favorite days with friends. Patrick, Kayla, and i went to a park and took like a billion pictures. There were a lot of good ones as well as some pretty amusing ones that kept us up all night rolling on the floor laughing at them. Last night reminded me what one of the important things is; namely spending time with people who are true friends. Last night was exactly what i needed since i am leaving soon for a while. I needed to be reminded to stick close(in heart) with the people who are my support system, positive , encouraging and fellow believers. I know we are not supposed to hide ourselves away from the world, but we are supposed to be wise about the ones we hold close. Thank you Patrick and Kayla for a awesome night! :) You guys make me smile. And Rofl.

Daddy.

How did my daddy get so wise? Just to avoid confusion i am talking about my earthly daddy right now. He called me this morning and although he has always been a very intelligent man, i am amazed lately by his wisdom. I remember before he was saved and knowing the difference in him never ceases to make me grin(not smile, grin). I love him beyond words and i am so proud to call him daddy.

Little Sister.

My little sister never ceases to amaze me in her enormous supply of compassion and encouragement. I have been struggling in many things lately and this morning i found this from her:


Hey, Callie.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I just want you to know that i've been praying for you and I know that you've had some difficulties with your apartment and I just want you to know that you can trust God for all things and that he's got a plan for you even when you can't hear him and you start to doubt. Sometimes he makes it like that so you have to cling to him completely.

Anyway, I just want you to know that i'm thinking about you and praying for you and that I love you.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9


I hope she doesn't mind that i shared this, but i wanted to share with others this gift that my little sister gave to me when i needed it most.

Focus.

Lately my life has been all noise. All i could hear for months was the sound of my heavy heart, tears hitting the pillow, friends giving advice or the sounds of them ducking around the corner. I have heard everyone's idea of how my future could or should go and after everything, i finally heard the sound of my knees hitting the floor. How i have missed my Daddy's company. I have missed every flower filled walk or bird song filled tree date with Him. How could i have given that up for so much less? He has finally brought me back to focus on the only thing in this world that matters and that is Him and His will. I am finally focused.

Change in Plans, Shift to God's will.

We tend to try to make our lives all about us. Like we want the cute apartments with the red doors and the shiny doorknockers. We forget that our ways are not God's ways. Sometimes God doesn't want us to have the red doors and the doorknockers, sometimes he wants us to have our brothers couch. But i am finding it is better to be in His will than on the outside feeling that deep awareness that you are missing something vital inside.

Letting Me Serve.

It was such an honor to be able to help the Ascani's move yesterday. They have been a huge part of my life and have had one of the greatest impacts in me. It was so amazing being able to serve them as they have served me for the past few years. The Ascani's truly shared life with us college students the past few years letting us into their home, family, and life, not hiding any part of it from us. We have been able to see(for some of us) the first true display of what a Christian household should look like. We have been able to be witness to the hard times where faith was produced and grown as well as some of the happiest moments. This truly what Christian fellowship is and i have loved every moment i spent with them. I am so excited to be able to follow what God is doing in their life and i a cannot wait to serve others as they have served me.

Love.

Tomorrow i will be saying see you later to my dearest friends the Ascani family. I will not be saying goodbye because it will not be goodbye. I will most definitely see them again hence only saying see you later rather than goodbye. It is one of the privaleges of being Christian. I will explain that in another post. This post is for Mrs. Traci Ascani. She was my first mentor and she has changed my life. I love her like a sister and i am so excited for this new part of their journey. Traci was the first person other than family to truly believe in me and it changed me and how i viewed myself and future. I am so excited to be able to see her tonight and to cook for her and her family and serve them as they have served us these past few years.

Doing Life Together.

Today will be my last Sunday with the beloved Ascani family. This family has had the single greatest impact on my life and i am going to miss them dearly. They have been the greatest encouragement and support to me since i arrived in Georgia as a young, afraid 17 year old. Traci Ascani is the most beautiful(inside and out) woman that i have ever known and Mark has been the greatest vision painter i have ever met. I am SO excited about this new journey they are about to embark on and i can only hope i can still be a part of it in even a small way. I am so glad there is going to be hundreds more who will be impacted by these Jesus lovers and that is the only thing that helps me to let them go and not try to keep them for myself, which is first instinct. Here is to adventure!

Memories.

I found the banner that the Spring Place kids made Mark and me at the end of our internship at their church, which i can now proudly call my own church. That was one of the best memories. The kids went all out with a cake with out picture on it, a goodbye rap song, a banner we fought over , and lots of love. It is so cool to know a lot of those kids are in college now, have jobs and are well on their way to being not only being responsible adults but Christians as well. The kids are not my youth group anymore, they are my closest friends and church family. I will keep this banner always so that i always remember where we came from and that church family is just as important as blood family.

Kids.

Haha Kayla will get a kick out of this title because it seems so far from me. However, i have a confession to make. I have fallen love with a little kid. His name is Brock. His dad warned me not to meet him because it would be love at first sight. Oh how i should have headed that warning. He makes every mommy instinct in me surface instantly around him. He is in one word adorable. He is so mature for a 6 year old boy and i can't get enough of him. I will restrain all kidnapping urges ;) anyway there you go Kayla. Apparently, i do have some want to be a mom desires even if they are normally dormant.

Public Humility.

God seems to like calling me out in public places. Do you know how awkward it is to be having a serious conversation with God with dozens of people around staring at you seeming to talk to yourself. Because you really can't carry on a conversation like that in your head. So, i apologize Chickfila for looking like a weirdo yesterday, but God had a lot to share and sure wasn't going to keep ignoring Him.

Peaches.

Tomorrow is my best friend in the whole world's birthday. Miss Peaches :) I am so proud to call her friend. In fact i do not consider who just friend, but sister. She is just as blood sister to me as my birth sister is and i love her just as dearly. I have never had a more patient or kind or beautiful friend as Michelle. I have always wanted to be even just a little more like her because never have i had a truer friend. Even through my bossiness and selfishness she remained true and loyal. The best memories of my life have always included her. If i could have any one wish right now it would be to have my sweet friend by my side and here with me. So happy birthday Michelle. I hope this is your best year of your life so far. I really hope we get to spend much of it together to make up for us having to be a part the last 2 years. I love you!

Rain.

It poured for about an hour at work today and it happened to rain while i was on break. I took off outside like a hound chasing a fox and ran laps around my job. I was drenched in seconds but i barely noticed it. I stood outside catching raindrops in my mouth and feeling them splatter on my face. It was the most refreshing, cleansing rain i have ever felt. I felt like every sin i had ever committed was washed off of me today during that rain. It was the most amazing feeling in the world.

Still Here.

God and I have been in little arguments all day.

Me: "Tired!"
Him: "Rest in Me!"

Me: "Giving up!"
Him: "Patience!"

Me: "Hurt!"
Him: "Love anyway!"

Me: "Lonely!"
Him: "I"m still here..."


It is the last one that got me. Despite my impatience, lacking, resistance, anger and rebellion, He is still here. How can I not adore Him?

Reply.

So i guess i thought i was being funny last night when i asked God if a few things in my life could be adjusted because he totally called me out this morning in church.
I wrote Him a letter last night saying:

Dear God,
This isn't working out. Could we adjust a few things?
Love, Me

He replied in church this morning by saying:

Dear Callie,
I completely agree with you. I can think of a few things that could be adjusted in you.
Love, God

Out of the Car.

I am finally at my parents. Actually, i have been here for an hour or so now, but i just got my computer out. I am looking forward to some family time over the next couple of days.

Something New Everyday

I always thought of painful situations as unselfish for some reason. I have been reading a book lately called Sacred Marriage (yeah i know, why would i read a marriage book?) and i have been learning so much. Today i was reading how we can even turn our pain into an "all about me" thing. Pain can be the greatest teacher we have. Sometimes it is hard to look past the pain we are facing and see the purpose in it, it can be enough to survive it, but maybe surviving it isn't the purpose or point. Maybe God is behind the scenes orchestrating something greater in our pain than the pain itself. We have to know that no matter how big our pain is, God is bigger still. We have to know that even if we never see the purpose behind our sorrows that God sees. God is alive and working through our joys and our sorrows. He is greater than murder, adultery, rape, hunger, abuse, divorce, even death. He is sovereign. Always. There will never be a situation where we can say that situation is greater than the God who ordained it or allowed. Never. He is always greater and therefore always worthy of worship. That means we worship Him before the pain, during the pain, at the place of pain where there seems to be no end, and after the pain. He is greater. He is worthy. I will worship.

Preparing for Battle.

satan has been attacking me furiously lately. I have been weighed down by jealousy over everything. I guess he is pretty mad because first he tried to get me with unforgiveness and bitterness, but God pushed me through those. I have refused to let him stress me out or turn my back on God and he is pretty upset about that. So he has found another tactic to hit me with. It seems i get jealous about everything and everyone. It is quite annoying because jealousy makes you mad at the person you are feeling jealous over for no reason. And when you are mad at someone because you are jealous, well there goes the friendship because those mean feelings are in the way.
Thankfully God has been revealing these things to me. He has shown me that they are there because satan is trying to trip me. So, thanks Dad for the heads up. I am on the lookout now. I knew the battle was coming. I am going to lace up my battle boots and start putting on the armor. Let satan come, because when he does, i will be waiting. And i will be ready.

Girl Time.

Went shopping with Kay today. She doesn't know, but i like the name Kay for her rather than Chip. It is much more feminine and suites her more. So i call her that in secret. Of course it won't be much of a secret after she reads this. Anyway we went shopping today and picked out some really pretty clothes for her which she deserves because pretty girls deserve pretty clothes and she definitely deserves to feel pretty. It was lots of fun to see her all dressed up :)

Infallible God.

I am so not enough. You are plenty. I am helpless. You are so able. I am hopeless. You are hope. I fall again and again, yet again and again you are there. And i am grateful. Even in my faithlessness You are faithful. Thank you, daddy.

Tight Spots.

I used to thank God for the good times and plead for relief during the tough ones. My perspective is slowly changing in this. Although the easier times are nice because we all need a break sometimes, it is during the tight spots that i grow. I have felt myself growing this year. I am so much more emotionally stable. I am more relationally mature. I am a learning to let go and let God. I am beginning to realize the hugeness of the responsibility as a Christian i have been given. I have a responsibility to carry his name openly and truthfully. I have a responsibility to share and suffer. I am a leader, a guide, a sister in Christ, a warrior and full of Grace that i am to extend to others. However, God doesn't want me to feel burdened by this, only burdened by the weight of others souls who have yet to recognize Him. And i am. The magnitude of the amount of people who either don't know Him or have no relationship with Him is staggering. I am often overwhelmed by the needs others have. And not just unsaved people. There are so many Christians sufficating in sin or weary from work or burdened by guilt or shame. There are too many Christians who preach grace and never except grace from Him for themselves. There are too many Christians who speak the gospel without having had the incredible fullness of it penetrating their own hearts fully. How can this be? And what can i do about this? I long to help. That is my life desire. I want to be a helper. I want to be a wife. I want to be a ministry partner. I want to love on the unlovable. I want to serve. There is no other life occupation that would satisfy me other than a servant. I want to be a living Martyr.

Call Outs.

My heart is so torn. I know nothing in this world matters except the things that will pass into the next. if i know this, then why do i constantly fill my life with the things that wont? It seems like it should be so simple to follow wholeheartedly after Him, but simple and easy aren't the same thing. I want an undivided heart. I want to be emptied of myself so i can be full of more of Him. And when i do spend time with Him it feels so right, like breathing. But then why do i pass it over so often? Ugh! This is all so annoying.

Patient God.

Man was i in a mood last night and today. Sorry to any of my friends who i was a jerk to. God and i head butted so much last night i must have woken up with a migraine from it. And i am pretty sure i threw up enough in all of my blogs to last a while. I am so thankful for a God is is so patient and willing to wait out all of my petty human emotions. He is so worthy of praise.

Reminders.

I was so down today and i knew it was because i haven't been spending much time with God lately. It always becomes painfully obvious to me very quickly when time with Him is short or not much at all. Why do i forget so quickly how much He must be a part of my every day? When will i remember that i fade so fast outside His presence? It seems like i should have this always on my mind, so why is it so easy to forget or ignore? I want to be so absorbed in Him that to separate Him from me would be excruciatingly painful and would be like separating skin from bone. I want to be wrapped up in Him, immersed in Him, consumed by Him constantly. The only good from this painful realization is the sweet Grace that always follows.

Realizations.

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Realizations.
by Callie A. Jones on Sunday, July 3, 2011 at 9:10am

I just had a realization. I have been able to talk for so long that i can hardly remember what it was like when i couldn't share myself with others. For years i had no idea why i was unable to open up, but today it hit me. My whole life i have loved writing. It has been a huge passion of mine and for years it was the only way i had of sharing myself with others. I think at least some part of me was afraid it was an either/or thing. i think i was afraid that if i learned how to talk then i would lose my ability to write. I didn't think i could have both. This fear only changed in 2009 when Christ changed me. I know have the ability to share myself with others and i am still writing strong! In fact i am better than i was before. :)

Teaser,

Not to be a tease but i have an awesome blog for tomorrow. I would write it tonight but i am too tired after this long day. So something to look forward to.

Little Blessings.

Sometimes i get so caught up in the big provisions from God that i almost miss the little things that make Him such a personal God. Like today i had to work two shifts and i wasn't too excited about it, but as i was in the dining room i realized that for so long i have only seen sunrises. And sunrises are beautiful, but i like to sleep in every now and then and my job doesn't allow that often so i see the sun rise a lot. Tonight i got to see my first sunset in a long time. And it was breathtaking. The sky was the sweetest shades of blue and pink and purple. I seriously stood staring out the door and smiled at God. He is a God so involved in the details of my life that He knew i wanted to see a sunset instead of a sunrise for once and He made sure that He made it completely mind blowing. Also God provides for me constantly with bills and the basic necessities, but i keep seeing more and more how He also wants to give us little extras just for fun. A lady tipped me today and i smiled realizing how i could buy something just for me. God keeps showing up in my life over and over in sunsets and people and everywhere really. I am hard pressed to find something He is not in. I remembered today how i have always wondered what it would look like when God smiled and then i looked up at the beautiful, nearly blinding sun and realized that must be pretty close to what it is like. So today i am thankful for the hundred little places i see God in my life.

Things Ahead.

So i have officially asked off for my vacation for the middle of August in hopes that the Ascani's will let me accompany them to their new home and help them settle in. I also agreed to go white water rafting with Katie and the gang at the end of July. So a couple of exciting things added to my summer!

Friends With a Sense of Humor.

Of course i might be writing this one too early since i haven't seen Katie's reaction yet, but tonight Kayla and i planted a street cone on her front doorstep. I need to play a joke or two every now and then. It keeps me in good humor. I am thankful for friends who are willing to be accomplices and also friends who are willing to have jokes played on them. Both are necessary.

Reunions.

Got to see the Globals today! It was awesome! We had dinner together and then destroyed walmart afterwards. haha i loved seeing Jacob and Brandon especially. All in all today was pretty great :)

Doing With Less and Being More Blessed.

I lost power sometimes Saturday night. Since it was after i went to sleep it didn't affect me much..at first. I wake up Sunday morning to a steaming hot apartment, spoiled food and no lights. I did have hot water so i filled the tub a few inches and wondered how a bath in the dark would be. The God had the great idea of candles. How cute is a candlelit bath? Very much and so God and i had a long talk in a candle lit bathtub with lukewarm water. Losing power brought me into contact with some amazing people who were a great encouragement to me and reminded me that losing power doesn't mean losing much. I survived and feel a bit stronger for it!

Answers.

I was praying about something pretty specific the last day or so and something happened out of nowehere that oculd be a possible answer. I was quite caught by surprse because this is something that would push me even more out of my comfort zone, which seems to be the theme of my life this year. It at the very least gave me something to think about...

Room to Grow.

I am continuing to grow. I have noticed the importance of relationships recently. I have become so much more intentional about making time for others and my friendships with others has grow as a result. Before i was either all about me or all about Jordan and neither of those things was healthy. My friendships were stunted because of it. Now i may sacrifce some "me time" or sleep, but i get the opportunity and privilege to get into some other people's lives and "do life" with them as Mark has talked about. I began to deepen old friendships and make new ones with people i never dreamed i would be friends with. I have had the chance to encourage others, serve other people, and even mentor others. And as a result i have been growing so much spiritually because i have more people keeping me in check, holding me accountable, and more younger people watching me which makes me take a closer look at my life to see what they are watching and whether it is good or not. It is scary the first time you realize your life is being watched by someone younger than you and you realize everything you do is something they may learn to follow whether good or bad. I especially remember the first time i saw my younger sister doing something i knew she had gotten from me. I think the color really drained from my face as i realized for the first time the influence i had. Everything i ever claimed to believe in had to become a lifestyle for me after that and not just a talk. Talk about responsibility. Talk about privilege.

Thunderstorms.

The storm tonight is so scary. And so beautiful. I think storms are one of the simplist ways to display God's power to us. Lightening, strong winds, and pouring rain are so majestic, powerful and yet beautiful that they scream God's design. They set my heart racing and give me the feeling that i should be falling on my face in worship.

Parents.

I had such a great time at my parents house this weekend. And they blessed me in so many ways. They were so encouraging and loving. I have always felt showered with love and affection by them. They sent me off with food and clean clothes and they even paid for new tires for my car! I love weekends with my family. They have become more and more precious to me the older i get and time with them is always amazing.

Little Woman

I have definitely matured in many ways this year. In being grateful and appreciative is one way. I went in to work today and i was so sick. I have forgotten lately to take my iron pills and it has finally caught up with me. I was dizzy, sick, exhausted, pale, shaky. I couldn't hardly keep upright. I tried my best and didn't complain or ask to leave early and it turns out i didn't have to. I have been making a conscious effort to be more kind and compassionate towards other employees there especially the managers who have authority and employees that are hard to work with. And in return against all previous beliefs that have begun(an?) to return that kindness. My manager was watching me closely this morning and i came back from the bathroom to find they have decided tosend me home. I was in a lot of pain and really weak, but i almost cried i was so grateful. I thanked them and i plan on finding a way to show them how grateful i am. It sounds weird but i am so glad i feel like this today. It reminds me to be grateful for tiny things i take for granted and gives me an opportunity to express gratitude to others. God is Good. All the time.

Keri Ensley

I have already written in 2 blogs tonight so i will keep this one short and sweet. I am so unbelievable thankful for Keri Ensley and also a loving daddy who not only hears my cries, but answers them.

Spiritual Bulimia.

haha i know this title sounds weird and gross but hear me out. So i have a had trouble lately with negative emotions. Jealousy, bitterness, anger, fear... it goes on and on. I was probably dwelling in the land of if only's too long one day when God was like okay we need to work on this. I know this sounds crazy and you can blow it off like God would never say that, but seriously i heard God say Callie, you got to throw this up." I was like "what???" And He was like "you can't just stuff down emotions because everything that goes down ALWAYS comes back up." He said "you have to get rid of it, and it might come back just like people get sick more than once in their life, but you can't push down emotions and expect to get better because they will poison your insides and eventually kill you." Not the kind of messgae you expect to get. haha so i look like a total weirdo, but everytime a negative emotion creeps up i give a little gag and let it go. No physically throwing up haha just mental. And as bizarre as it sounds it always works. So, enjoy the weirdest spiritual blog you will ever read :D

Going All the Way

I was reading a book at the bookstore a couple of days ago and it was telling the two different times on the cross that Jesus was offered wine to drink and why he only accpeted one time. I had assmued before that the two instances were probably just two different perspectives of the same story. But the author explained how Jesus was offered wine before the he was cruxified and after he was on the cross and the first time the wine was offered it contained gall which contains a sedative. The second it was offered to fulfill the scriptures and because Jesus called out that he was thirsty. He could have drank the wine the first time it was offered and been given even a tiny bit of relief, but he didn't. Why would he not do that? Because he loves me. He refused to be given any relief for his own suffering so that when i suffered with no relief he could understand my suffereing. He chose not to sedate his own pain so that he could be with me through my pain. How could i not fall in love with a God like that? A God who refused to numb his own suffering and pain so that he could carry mine. I love Him.

A Faithful Father

This year has been tough and the last few days have been the most emotionally exhausting of my life, but God has been there for all of it and that is the most comforting thought ever. The future is still cloudy if not altogether impossible to read, but God is faithful and i have determined to put my absolute trust in Him concerning everything.

Grace.

I know this was my original blog entry title, but honestly there is nothing i am more thankful today than for God's unbelievable, undeserved, beautiful, life changing, soul saving Grace and i could love and worship Him forever for that alone. I was a self-loving, controlling, selfish, bitter, jealous prisoner of my self until God transformed me. It is by Christ's grace alone that i stand here and that i am saved. God you are worth everything. Thank you thank you thank you for Your Grace.

Suffering.

I have been reading a book called "If God is Good" and my eyes have been opened to the concept of the worth and purpose of suffering.

Last.

Last post for a while. I am going to miss writing and sharing, but everything comes with a price; even disappearing.

Privacy.

Everything seems to be going wrong all at once. This has been the hardest year if my life and i am having a hard time seeing any good come any time soon. I am so glad that i live alone so that i can fall apart without the whole worlds eyes on me. I have a feeling i will be faling apart pretty often.

Party Time.

Tonight was one of the best nights ever. The party was beyond greater than i expected and i am glad we were able to pull it off. Cheers to a great night with even greater people.

Sticking it Out.

I wanted to leave work early so bad today because i was feeling so crappy but i am glad now that i stuck it out. Because fighting through the pain and tough times helps me to realize i am stronger than i knew. It will help me know that next time i can make it through.

Sick.

This is for yesterday because i was way too sick to write. I know being sick is a strange thing to be thankful for but i am because with sick days i would get way too accustomed to well days and lose my gratitude for them. So, despite all of the crying and moaning i am thankful for the days i hurt or am sick because it makes me all the more appreciative of the better days.

The Word.

I was reading Psalms last night and although i thought they were beautiful before i never realized how life applicable they truly are until now. I guess because i have never quite gone through as painful a time as i am now and most of the Psalms are about pain or distress. They have been a huge encouragement to me lately.

Encouraging friends

Yesterday i got to talk to a very old friend of mine. We both happened to need encouragement that day so we were both surprised when we realized we had not stumbled across each other by accident but had been brought together for mutual encouragement.

Convictions.

I was thinking today about how much i miss spending time with Jordan, especially talking at night. he hasn't called in 3 days and it has been hard not to see him or talk to him. I feel so disconnected from him. I miss knowing all of the little things about his day. And then it hit me: God must feel the same way about us. He must want to know us. And spend time with us. And hear all of the little things about our day too. The God of the universe misses me. How could i not want to spend time with Him?

Sad.

Sad seems like a strange thing to be thankful for and even now it is hard to summon up any thanks for it but i have to be thankful for the sad times and not just the good ones. And it will only make the happy ones better. Trying to keep a better perspective.

Gifts.

Super sleepy so i will add more tomorrow but to get to the point tonight was about learning our spiritual gifts and everyone marked mine as Intercession, Service/Help and Exhortation. Interesting...

Resolve.

Got into a little disagreement today and quite a few hurt feelings but glad it all worked out.

Into the Wild.

Watched this movie tonight and it stirred old desires. I have always wanted to ust take off and survive for a few months at least in the complete wilderness. Just pack a bookbag and scrimage for the rest. Get less of me and more of nature.

Break Throughs.

After a lot of admosity between a friend for reasons i couldn't pin point even to myself tonight was a breakthrough. I was finally able to see someone in a different light and what an amazing person to get to finally truly see!

Safe Friends.

The tornado might have skipped Dalton last night but it almost completely destroyed the town over. I was so relieved to find out that Kayla and her family were passed over and are safe and sound. Praise God!

Nature In All Its Splendor.

This storm is a little scary but so beautiful. I was looking out over my balcony and lightening was just lighting up the sky, one strike right after another with no breaks. You could literally feel the charge of electricity in the air and i was breathless. It was so simply, purely beautiful. Nothing humans have ever created will ever come close to nature in its purest forms.

Great Friends.

I don't think i have ever had such an incredible group of diversely different friends that i can simply laugh with so much as i do with these awesome people.

A Long Road.

I needed a breather after a sressful day. I know a 2 hour car ride may not seem relaxing to a lot of people but 2 hours of nothing but time to sort out my thoughts was exactly what i needed. Especially after a day like today. Also very thankful for generous parents for helping me with my car.

Home.

I am starting to get a little homesick now. For the only place i have ever felt i truly belonged and called home: dear old dalton and Chatsworth. Just one more day! I have loved seeing family, but it is time to go home.

God's Whispers in the Night.

Had car trouble on the way to the point that my parents were in astonishment that i arrived at all let alone safely. I had water in my gas tank and in all reality should have broken down on the way. But God is a great God and he protected me and then provided an answer to the unknown at the time problem. He spoke to my dad in the middle of the night making the answer clear. How awesome to see God work in the most mysterious ways!

Family Time.

At the parents again for the weekend. Had a little car trouble on the way but God guided me safely here. I am looking forward to a weekend of celebrating the rising of our great Saviour!

Understanding Others Thorns.

Everyone has something that they struggle with. Everyone has a thorn in their flesh or maybe several. It is our responsibility as brothers and sisters in Christ to assist one another and serve one another and not be stumbling blocks. We joke about sin so much that i think we take it too lightly now. We need to be loving one another by helping in what ever way we can. We can never pray for each other too much. We can never encourage too much. I am going to try to be a better sister in Christ especially to Jordan. Because i think this is a great challenge for me now and lately i feel God has been challenging me. More growth on the horizon!

Brandon Extended.

So Brandon is going to be very very missed. I knew from the start that he would be our intern since he is slightly unconventional to what the other churches around here expect interns to look like. And also become it was obvious from his first time at our church that he was awesome and Mark always steals the really awesome interns. I love how Brandon is so content to be himself, no approval from others needed or even always desired. He is talented. He makes me laugh until i think my ribs are going to crack. His has such an off the wall sense of humor, almost slightly devious in nature. He is also very compassionate and probably one of the best listeners i know. Brandon has a passion for things other people don't even get excited about. I really hope he visits a lot of i am going to have to put his address in my GPS. Atleast a monthly dose of Brandon is neccessary for life.

Brandon.

I am going to miss Brandon so much. He has been such a quirky addition to our little group. There is so much about him i want to write about and i am going to expand on this blog tomorrow when i am not high on coffee ice cream. haha so to be continued!

Sunshine.

This afternoon was nothing short of lovely. I sat outside of the church for about an hour reading while feeling the warm sunshine on my shoulders. There wasn't a cloud in the bright, blue sky and the temperature was absolutly perfect. Probably my favorite part of the day.

The Most Unexpected Gift.

There is always a lot going on inside my head and every now and then all the jumbles (multiple thoughts cart wheeling around) come together to form a decent thought or realization. Today was one of those days. I will have to be honest; life lately has been painful. There has been a lot of hurt, disappointment, surprise, fear, and confusion. But, through all of these very real, very painful things popping up, good has emerged. I have finally learned that the very worst situations, have potential for some of the very best experiences humans can experience. I thought at one time that I could never; under any circumstance see true good come from pain. Lessons learned yes, wisdom yes, even acceptance, but never good. I learned today that I was very wrong. Because without some of the greatest evils or pains we would be completely incapable of knowing the truest good. Without pain, we could never know what healing was like. Without sorrow, we could experience happiness, but never joy, and without suffering, we could never be capable of knowing comfort. True, without any of these negatives or hurts, we would live in a very safe, comfortable, even happy world, but we would live in a world void of the highest supreme pleasures. I have not yet had to hold my dying child in my arms or watch a parent die from a disease or experience anything even close to that degree of pain, but I hope that if I have to, this thought will remain, even then: the most pain we could ever imagine, pain that knocks us to our knees or leaves us breathless, that pain provides the way for the greatest levels of comfort, peace, and joy that is beyond our comprehension. And so, that pain has great worth. And if unbelievable pain has, great worth than perhaps the God who makes this good come from pain is, not only justified in allowing it, but also is good in allowing it? I think He is. And so I thank Him ahead of time for all of the pain that I will ever experience, because in doing so I am also being given the great honor of experiencing the greatest pleasures in this world. What a great God!

Learning Who to Turn To.

Usually i have the bad habit of turning to typical comforts when my feelings are hurt or i am sad, but tonight i did good, I gave it all to God first thing. Every little thing Jordan does still hurts my feelings. And i usually sulk over it, but tonight i realized no one understands my hurt, even petty hurt better than God does so why not give it to Him? And i felt so much better after i did. Worship is possible even through unbelieveable pain, hurt feelings, and sorrow. Living proof right here.

Provisions.

God is such a God of perfect timing. I have been watching my account closely because it is a little low this week and was sweating a little, but i check my mail today to find $50 on a rebate card i mailed off for weeks ago arriving just as i need it. How amazing!

Jenny Lawless.

Tonight was so much fun. It starts off innocently enough with Jenny and I driving to the mall in Chattanooga. However, on the way back we end up on signal mountain miles and miles away. Then we took a dip in the hot tub talking about weddings and such. Always an adventure with that girl.

Bible Study.

Was just amazing tonight. I loved how we prayed for ourselves in the end. I know that sounds shallow and selfish but really most of the time we lift up others which we should but a lot of times tat is a cover up becuse we don't want to acknowledge the things we persoanlly need prayer for. We were all nudged out of our comfort zones a little tonight by having to personally pray outloud for ourselves.

Naps.

Such a tiny thing to be thankful for, but these naps are so refreshing to me. It is so ncie after along day at work to be able to come home and let my body recharge itself. Also i rarely remember dreaking during naps unlike at night so i get so much more rest.

Music.

My old passion for music has surfaced out of nowhere and i have the bleeding fingertips to prove it. I have spent the afternoon teaching myself accoustic. I have missed playing guitar so much and playing makes me miss the old days when the family played in a band together. I miss traveling and setting up and breaking down equipment over and over and playing my heart out.

Getting a Kick outta Life.

Shot my first shot gun today. I loved it! There is nothing like that first time where your facial expression is a combination of "i can't believe i am shooting this thing" and "I really hope this doesn't kick hard enough to hit me in the face" haha it was awesome!

Such a Time as This.

Kirk asked me to live with him for a while. At first i wrote the offer off casually saying i would consider it, but then it began knawing at me. I was at first confused, then contemplative, now terrified. I feel like God is wanting me to show Him to Kirk. That maybe He wants me to share openly with my brother what He has been doing in my life the past couple years. Maybe this is why i was sent here: to be saved and be prepared. Maybe I have been being prepared for such a time as this. I need to pray much more because i am so afraid. Here is comfortable and even the thought of living Jordan, my friends, and my church has me digging in my heels here. I feel as though I am being asked to put my own life on hold for a while and that brings out every selfish part of me who keeps wanting to pitch a fit, whinning about my own wants and desires. I don't feel prepared for this at all.

Growing Pains.

So, i am growing. I don't mean physically but spiritually. I really think God is wanting me to move in with Kirk. Part of me balks at the thought of leaving here behind. My friends are here. My church is here. My support is here. Here is...comfortable. What a terrible word. I think that is where the problem lies. Even in all of the stress and hurt and disappointment lately life here is still comfortable. I have my church, my friends, my job. Everything is steady and predictable. I feel as though i was brought here for a purpose, maybe to get saved? and that God has been growing me the last two years and He is finalyl saying "Enough, you are ready for the next step". Of course i don't feel ready at all. I am terrified. I feel very sure of this though. I am going to ask a few close people to pray with me over this and i will keep praying. My lease runs up in August. So little time to prepare...

Prayer of the Saints.

Had prayer time tonight. It was nice to be able to lift up others burdens in prayer. It helps me keep my own life in perspective and not feel alone when i realize others are going through tough spots as well. It was also really nice to hear others pray for me outloud by name. It is a unique blessing.

Hug.

Tonight i had the best hug in my life. Even out of all of the hugs Jordan and I had before nothing compared with tonight. He just simply held me for the longest time. I felt safer than i ever have before.

Storms.

The storm tonight is beautiful. Loud, streaking the sky with color and the thunder is so loud at times it makes me heart skip. I love it. I think i will sleep peacefully tonight.

Whispers.

Sometimes God makes me shake my head in wonder. I imagine him having an incredible sense of humor. He reveals things to me a lot. Some big revelations, sometimes things about myself i would rather wish i could ignore, sometimes just beauty in things i never saw before. He continues to reveal work in me that needs to be done. At first i was annoyed that i had so many flaws, then overwhelmed about them, now i am thankful. Because i know that i don't have to do anything but be willing to be used by him, willing to be changed or moved or shaken or molded. Sometimes these requirements come with pain or sacrifice, but all that is asked of us is to be willing.

God of All Comfort.

Today was hard. I had bad dreams and woke up sad. Usually i don't remember my dreams long after i wake up and i usually dream random, confusing dreams involving people or places i don't know. This dream was too personal. I woke up either crying or very sad and it was hard to shake that mood all morning. I took my break at work and started reading some of the Psalms and suddenly felt overwhelmed by comfort that could only from God. Seeing Jordan later made me remember my dreams and so thte feelings came back, although nowhere as heavy as they were this morning. But i will never forget the comfort from my Daddy this morning.

Short Work Days.

I got off at 10 today. Short work days are rare but the last 2 days i have only worked 5 hours. It makes for s smaller paycheck but every now and then the rest is worth it.

Decisions.

I have come to the painful conclusion: I can love him or i can be selfish with him, but i cannot do both. I have hope. However, i also have to let go.

Information Overload.

The more i read the Bible the more questions i have which would annoy me except i realize the more questions the more answers and that leads to the potentiality of endless knowing about Him :D

God Time.

This week i am trying to spend more time with God. Which means facebook, internet in general, hang out time, and pleasure reading are on hold. It has been nice. I am learning a lot about myself and a lot about Him.

Moving On.

It is offical. We are moving on. Or rather he is, i seem to be standing quite still.

Changes.

It is funny the things you realize about people after you are a little older and hopefully a little more mature. I am beginning to realize a little bit more what it means to respect guys especially futuristically in a husband. Guys like their opinions and ideas respected. Even if they are a little unsure of what they say or even know they might be wrong. I think some of the best advice for marriage is something i read in a book where it said to let the husband have their role as the head of the house so that we are free to be the heart. Makes sense. It is hard to know how to respect guys sometimes. It seems like we are never free to have out own opinions or to be right. But i don't think it really means that but rather as the woman we need to be more humble. So i haven't figured it out all but i have seen a lot of women intentionally or unintentionally put down their husbands or impose their ideas on them rather than allow their husbands to be the head and in charge. I don't want to be this way and i think before i realized this i was headed this direction. So hopefully i am learning still. Slowly maybe, but learning all the same.

Stretching.

So, i made it to my parents house today all by myself. I have to admit i am a little proud.

God's Strength.

I need more of it. But I am thankful for what He gave me today. Tomorrow i will need more.

Little Reasons To Smile.

Just saw pictures of yesterday at the park. Despite the crappy day i had to laugh.

Act Like a 4 Year Old Day.

Me and Kayla went to a park today and totally acted liked 4 year olds. It was awesome. Worries, stresses, everything flew out the window and for an hour I was the happiest i have been in a long time.

Working Through.

Apparently last night bothered Pat a lot. And it seemed like today was going to suck because of the tension but i am glad we have all become more grown up and learned a=how to maturely handle conflict.

A Good Laugh.

Shared a good laugh with Lauren tonight when we hacked into Pat's facebook and played around with it.

Sunday.

It is so nice after a stress filled week to have a day for nothing more than worship and rest. Seriously i couldn't make it through a week without it.

Hungry.

One of the biggest desires right now for me is learning. Which sounds lame i know. But i really, really want to go to a Bible College. No amount of books i read or questions i ask or documentaries i watch seems to be able to satisfy me. I want to study hebrew and Greek, I want to learn Jewish and Egyptian Culture, I want details! The problem is i only feel desire. I don't feel led or called to a particular school. Instead i feel this nagging need to stay here longer. Which is completely against what i want. Why is that?

Letting Go.

Tonight is another baby step forwards. Tonight i wrote down all of the things that i have been clinging to, trying to control, or refusing to let go of in my life... and i burned them. They are nothing but ashes now. Which reminds me of where i came from before God came and made beauty out of them. The less i am of me the more of Him i can fill up with.

Contact.

Better start geting better at keeping up with this blog or Kayla will find out and set me straight. I never thought i was one for physical touch. I mean, i'm not anti touch or anything but i never thought it was a huge deal for me. Until now. Maybe it was because i always had it in some form with Jordan and now i don't. And it's hard. I miss being touched by a guy. And i don't mean that in a weird or bad way. But to girls aren't built for hugs the way guys are. Sometimes i want to be held so that i feel safe or hugged by someone stronger than me. Girls can't do that. I never realized how nice it is to be held by someone stronger than me and to feel safe. I think it is what i miss the most.

Living Alone.

I haven't been thankful for this in a while but tonight i couldn't be more grateful. I really thought i had moved past this but tonight the whispers are too hard to ignore. I don't seem to have much to lose anyway.

Doing LIfe Together.

So i am loving this new study we are doing on Tuesday nights. Today was pretty much a sneaky way to get us to share our testimonies and...I LOVED IT. I loved getting to know everyone a little better. This is what real church is.

Time Out.

I can't believe i keep skipping blogs. I am going to have to work on this better. Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in feelings and emotions which are so temporary that we can forget that our words can hurt. I am learning the importance and stepping back and letting myself cool down. That way i can let others know how i feel without being controlled by my emotions.

Rest.

Today was confusing. It started out great then went to bad then turned okay. Jordan and i argued today which wasn't fun because we have been getting along so well lately but at the same time i learned something from it. I had always assumed before that when we argued it was because he wasn't getting what i was saying or he was being selfish or mean, but after thinking very intentionally about what we argued about today i was realized we simply had misunderstood each other and we had just had a a very different thought on things. he wasn't being intentionally rude and neither was I, we just assumed things and both of our assumptions were a little wrong in a way and contradicted each other. I have never realized how often we probably do that. I am glad that i realized this so that i will recognize next time it happens. I think the nap i took today helped to make me able to understand this.

Less Of Me.

The more i have been realizing others struggles and problems the more i realize that there are a lot of people without Christ in their life. And it breaks my heart. There are so many people stumbling around walking in circles when help is right there. With so many people needing prayer and support and encouragement where do i find time to worry so much about my insignificant problems?

A Little Better Than Neccessary.

This is for last night since i was too tired to write. Last night i went to Hannah's for a game night. We ended up playing Say Anything which is a crazy awesome awkward game. I think we all know each other a little bit better than we would have liked and i will never think of desks the same but it was fun lol

Encouragement.

God knew i needed some extra encouragement today to make up for this week and today was encouragement overload. First a day off to rest, then Chip and Zip hang out time, then time with Jordan which is rare and wonderful, then encouragement from mom, and finally i got to end the day by encouraging a new friend. Thanks God.

Baby Steps.

So i shared my testimony tonight. It was a huge deal for me and despite how i felt it was very freeing for me. Jordan and Maci did an awesome job leading worship tonight and i don't think i would have been able to share without them. After worship i was so relaxed and at peace that i was able to share rather than be afraid. I am excited to have overcome this obstacle.

Discussion.

Tonight was interesting. It was nice to be able to see how other people view things instead of just knowing my own opinions for once. Granted, having discussions late at night could probably be a bad thing considering we are all tired but it was still good. I would have liked a discussion on something else though. I feel we all left with the same belief we came in with, not that we had to change, but i would have liked to discuss something we were a little less familiar with. It seems all discussions seem to be about the same few things. anyway it was good, as was worship on the way home.

A Friend Like You.

This blog is for Kayla or rather about Kayla. I haven't liked someone so quickly as you in a long time. I have a hard time making new friends because i am so different form most other people. But you are fast becoming a very very good friend. Talks under the bed tonight were awesome as was giving dinner requests in funny voices. So, i am thankful that i met you.

Learning.

I have been soaking up information like a spnge lately. I have been reading dozens of books and watching countless documentaries on Creation vs Evolution and different beliefs and Religions. Not sure what i am going to do with all of this information but i am enjoying the accumulating of it.

Discovery.

Lately i have been trying to figure out the things that i am passionate about. And tonight one thing really stood out. I hate injustice. I hate when things are not fair. I hate that so many people have too much while others have too little. It makes me sick to realize the amount of food restaurants alone throw away while people are dying simply because they are hungry. So things such as natural disasters and the economy are enough to bring tragedy on their own, but people dying because they are hungry? This is something we can do something about. So this is going to be my goal:help relieve needs that i can do something about. Where to start?

Continued Growth.

So, i miss you. Things haven't gotten a bit easier, although i think i am growing through all of this. Which might be the point. I was immature and selfish beyond belief and probably would have made a terrible wife. I have been learning a lot lately although i am far from where i need to be. I still long to be married though. I have felt lonliness to the point of tear almost daily. I don't think i could stand a roomate because i love my privacy, but at nights i am so alone and it gets harder every night. But God has allowed this which means it has a purpose. I feel like i am being tested in every single area of my life right now so be patient with me if it seems i am learning slow or even sometimes not making any progress at all. Work becomes more stresful everyday and the lonliness at nights eats me sometimes it is so strong. But i want to come out of this strong and looking less like me and more like Him. Bear with me. I need a lot of support right now.

Newsletter Phase 1.

Still working on my newsletter. I have made a mailing list as well as an email list for my friends or family overseas. I have made a first draft of what i want it to contain and i have just starting working on the name and layout. I would like the name to be something in Greek or Hebrew but we will see. I am excited to get my first copy made but i am going to have to look at examples. I have never formatted a newsetter before so this will be stretching and growing my writing skills.

Hearing Others Stories.

Tonight is a sad night online. It seems everyone is posting things about death. I am trying to stay online too much but i do love the chance to in a small way peek into others worlds. It helps me keep mine in perspective. Suddenly a bad day at work pales in comparisom to violence in other countries or the death of someone's baby sister. There really are bigger problems than mine. I need to be reminded of this when mine try to overwhelm me.

Friends.

This blog is for last night because i was way too tired to write then.
So to night was awesome. It was especially awesime since the first part of the day was the absolute worst in a while. I met Kayla, Philip, Patrick, and Katie at the trade center and we watched a Chinese culture show thingie. It was pretty good or atleast interesting. Then we rented a movie at redbox which reminds me i need to return today. Apparently my choice wasn't an all around winner because Patrick and Katie both decided to go home. Too bad for them because Dispicable Me was even better the second time I watched it and I had the greatest time watching it with Kayla(my new favorite friend), and Philip(also a new favorite friend). Afterwards being the prangster lovers that Kayla and I are with our accomplice Philip we decided to cause a little non damaging chaos to Katie and Lauren's apartment. Needless to say their are little notes everywhere as well as reorganized upside bookshelves amung various other things. It made for a pretty awesome night and a much better day.

Meeting Needs.

I knew i was going to have something awesome to blog about tonight. So tonight a girl i work with needed a place to spend the night. She had to get a restraining order against her mom because she almost got in a fight with her today when she came to our job. So i invited her to stay here. I am excited. I have been looking for a need to meet and here is my first opportunity.

Girl Time.

Can i just say that i love Jenny Lawless and Traci Ascani. I had no intentions of hanging out with either tonight but i am so glad my plans were changed. We had the best girl time ever just sitting in the floor listening to two kids scream and talked about a lot. it was great.

Cool Ideas and Positive Feedback.

I was thinking it would be cool to make up a personal newsletter about my life and all that God has been doing in it and sending it to people. I know that sounds kind of weird because mostly schools and churches do that not individual people but i might give it a try. I told a few friends about it and they were excited about the idea and quickyl replied that thye would love to receive it. I have only begun brainstorming so i think i will get off of here and plan some more.

Opportunities.

Interesting day. Had a manager job offer possibility thrown at me today. I was in shock. I am trying not to get overly excited about it, not because i am being negative, but so that i do not try to preplan my whole future out. I am leaving it in God's very capable hands and hoping upon hoping for the best. Which i know will happen. So whether it was an opportunity to see how i would react to a let down or an opportunity to shine it has been placed in front of me and i will make the best of it no matter the outcome. I'm not going to lie though, i had to contain myself so that i didn't start jumping up and down and giggling hystercally in the mall. That probably wouldn't have helped me any. Maybe this whole year of stress and exhaustion was preparation in disguise. We shall see.

Testimony.

I was thinking of my testimony last night and how i feel like i need to share it with the youth group. I figured it might help me get my thoughts together to write it here first. I will leave out a lot of the general stuff and focus on my biggest struggle and my high school and early college years because they have became such a central part of my story.


Okay so i was raised in church and i always assumed that meant i was saved. I didn't actually know what the word saved meant then because i did not go to a baptist church but i assumed i was a Christian because i had grown up in church, believed in God, and had been baptized which is all my church then taught was needed to be "saved". My life was pretty close to perfect until i turned about 15. I remember life becoming very distincly difficult after that. All between 15-17 my dad lost his job, my family left the church that i grew up in, my friends began to rely wholly on me for support and comfort and began overwhleming me, and my life pretty much turned upside down. I had a pretty tight knit group of friends, probably because i was homeschooled and most of my friends were from church and we spent the most time together. 15 promised to be a tough year as my best friend began struggling with an eating disorder, another close friend's mom died suddenly from cancer at a young age, and 2 of my friends parents divorced shaking up our church, circle of friends and personal lives. My friends saw my life as pretty perfect and although i had a good life compared to there's i was nowhere close to equipped to deal with everything going on in their lives and mine. They saw me as strong, dependable, unshakable, and their main comfortor. I wasn't expected to ever be sad, weak, angry or shaken. I was there when they needed somewhere safe to share something, a shoulder to cry on or someone to give them advice or make them laugh. And therefore i was never able to cry around them or fall apart. I had to hold them together. I couldn't afford to fall apart. I then decided to refuse to ever let them see me cry and then not long after that i just flat out refused to cry at all, even alone. My emotions began to bottle up. I have also always had a hard time talking to people about how i feel. I spend most of high school angry, confused, insecure and bitter at feeling left out because i could never find a way to express myself or share myself. The feelings were building more and more and it was only a matter of time before i broke. I started cutting when i was 16. It was something that equally repulsed me and fascinated me at the time and one night it just happened. Who would ever imagine one tiny decision could end up shaping the next 4 years of my life. I loved it instantly. I now had a way to feel, to express myself, and to destress and no one had to know. And for a long time no one did. I thought i had found the answer to all of my problems. I could now carry all of my frinds burdens, secrets, and pain and not be constantly overwhelmed my my lack of support. I was only fooled into comfort. Because now on top of my friends pain and problems i had my own pain and secrets to hide. I couldn't let my friends down by letting them see me weak and i couldn't disappoint my parents. I was stuck. I had a personna to keep up and i was working pvertime to do it. I would act my heart out around my friends lifting up thewir world's and shouldering all of their pain allowing them to cope and then i would go home, lock my bedroom door and create my own secrets. Those few year were the absolute darkest time in my life. I was angry, bitter, afraid, and insecure. I was all alone in my pain coping the only way i knew. I carried this darkness through many significant parts of my life including college, Global, Interning at Spring Place, Camp, and even moving back here in 2009. I was saved on October 15th 2009 which will forever remain the most amazing day of my life. It was when i finally relaized how much i needed hime, how desperate i was for him to become a part of me and never leave. I knew that day that if God ever ceased to be in my life then my life would cease to be because all purpose and meaning would have ceased. It took a long time and was teh result of a lot of active people in my life including my mom, The Spring Place youth group, Mark and Traci Ascani, Kenny Wells, and a lot of people God placed in my life. I will forever be changed. I want people to realize how important their stories are. Your story could change someone's life. Your storu could saves someone's life. We spend so much time feeling all alone like there is no one else like us in the world. It was my biggest struggle. My struggle for identity and acceptance dominated my life throughout high school and college. Don't let it do that for yours. Jesus is right there beside you ready to take ALL of your pain, your fear, your shame, your inssecurities, your mistakes. Your deepest, rawest need will only be met in him. He doesn't want you to havr to carry burdens(yours or anyone else's). He is right there. He has given you a story. A beautiful story of redemption, grace, forgiveness and purpose. And it's not over. You have to live it out. Not hide it. He has covered everything so you have nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of. There could be someone out there right now who is literally dying to hear your story, dying not to feel alone anymore, dying to find someone to relate to, someone who cares, who understands. By not sharing your story you are saying your fear is of greater importance than their life or slavation. Don't be afraid. Tell your story. This is mine.

Instant Answered Prayers.

So, was talking to God tonight on the way home from church and i was asking him what he wanted me to be doing. I feel so stagnant right now. I am bored to tears with life right now and i am longing to be DOING something. Well fast-forward about 30 seconds. You know when you pray for something and God answers your prayer...only not in the way you were hoping so you try to backpedal and you're like "uh nevermind God.." Yeah it was one of those moments. My entire testamony came crashing down along with the directions to promptly share it with the kids next week. Talk about freaked out. That would be an understatement. But i feel very strongly that i need to do this. *Deep breath* Okay God i'm going to trust you on this one.

Finding Your Own Kind of Beautiful.

I know this kind of blog is out of character for me and it is something i would probably put in another one of my blogs before this one, but i am genuinely thankful for it. I am thankful that i am enough. I don't mean that i am enough without Christ or anything like that. I mean i am happy with how i look. There are days when i am not qute as happy as others, but i have finally conquered the land of not pretty enough and emerged a beautiful princess. The curves i used to hate i now love and the imperfections i once tried to cover up i bare now simply because they make me who i am and that makes me special. I am no longer consumed by my ghost girls and they no longer have power over me. They hurt me and ridiculed me and walked circles around me critisizing my every flaw and now i have overcome them. I have become beautiful in my own way and they are gone. I hope they do not find any other girls to torment like they did me. I hope other girls can find this quiet beauty the Bible talks about, the kind of beauty God adores. True Beauty.

Religion vs Love

I was talking to a friend at the mall today. He noticed a notebook i was carrying which had different names for Jesus on it and began to talk about Islam and Muslims and how we believe in the same Jesus. He said the only difference was that Mulsims believe that Jesus was only a phrophet not the son of God but that was the only difference between the two religions. I say, that is one big difference! Also, he said that the Bible and the Quaran are the same, they teach the same things. When did Love and violence become the same? When did Jesus being a phrophet become enough for our sins? When did teh death of a great teacher become equal to the sacrifice of a passionate savior? The whole time he was talking his eyes looked...empty. There was only fire in proving his point not passion about his Love. And my heart broke. How can we share this Love we know? Because obviously we could debate and argue and condemn and none of those things work. Only Love will prove His Love. How can we share this incredible Love?

New Experiences.

So, i rode a horse today for the first time in years. It was awesomely amazing. The horse was pretty darn stubborn and only wanted to do things HER way so it took a while to adjust and she only believed in running not walking, but being on a horse with the sun on my shoulders, my hair dancing in the breeze and not a care in the world made for a very peaceful afternoon.

Remembering The Journey.

As i was driving home from the mall tonight my mind wandered back to the past 2 years. The struggles, the pain, the heartache, the growth, the Love, the direction. It is so easy to see now that God not only never left me, but he held my hand the whole way and often when i became tired or discouraged carried me for miles. I remember how poor i was when i first moved here both in sprirt and finanaces. God radically changed my life the fall after i moved here when he saved me. October 15th 2009 my life truly began. I will be 2 years old this fall and i cannot wait to celebreate! So, i am learning that we need to keep our eyes on the prize, but not become so enamored by the end that we lose sight of the Journey. This journey of the last 2 years has been shaping me, growing me, sometimes in very painful ways. Sometimes pain is the only teacher we listen to. It is interesting though. I was thinking of how these last 2 years were the most painful years of my life and most definintely the most difficult, but somehow they also been the most incredible. Seems impossible. How can pain be equated with joy? Maybe there aren't so impossible to coincide together as we thought. maybe we need both to experience them both fully. Interesting thoughts.

Sharing the Love.

I am feeling more and more led to share about this amazing Love we have. This unbelievable, uncomprehendable, unfathomable, undeserved Love that we have been given. And we are being selfish with it. Which doesn't make sense if you think about it considering one of the characteristics of Love is unselfishness. We are sitting around rolling in extravagant Love while the rest of the world settles for lukewarm lust or half-commitments. And we are okay with this. I am broken about this. We have got to share this with them. How can we stand around satisfied to just be in awe of the Love we have freely(on our part anyway) been given all the while content to let everyone else settle for what we once had to settle for. This has to change. We are Loved people. We are chosen people. We are people chosen to Love. We must Love.

Calls Outs.

It is funny the ways God gently calls us out on things. I have been feeling called out on my lack of forgiveness lately. It seems like every time i turn around i see a book or quote or song or verse on forgiveness. I have never been the kind of person to hold a grudge but i do often let unforgiveness make me bitter. After truly understanding the length Christ went to forgive us we would be crazy not to go the same length for others. At our best moments Christ still went much further than we will ever have to for others at their worst. I have also been learning the difference between apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Ackowledgement of our mistake is not enough we must offer ask for forgiveness of it. And also make restitution when neccessary. So, God is at work in me. Little by little i am changing.

UnSelf-Interested.

Today was my managers birthday and i couldn't believe how she made the whole day about her. She kept talking about HER birthday, what presents SHE got, how everyone needed to stop and sing happy birthday to HER. It made me sick. I have started wondering the point of birthdays and holidays lately. I can see celebrating the birth of Christ but not with gifts and i can see celebrating His Rising from the dead, but not with easter baskets. And why do we celebrate our birthdays? So we were born on this day every year. Big deal. Congratulations i lived another year. I mean what is the point really. The only birthday i am excited about celebrating this year is the day i was saved. I will be 2 years old this year and i absolutely cannot wait to celebrate that this year. I am saddened by the thought that my managers life is still only about her. I am amazed that i have a higher purpose now. I no longer have to exist i can live life fully now. I have a reason for living. I have a purpose. I am no longer me centered, but HIM centered.

Meeting Other Jesus Followers.

Today during break i was introduced to a man who is a traveling evangelist. He is a local who travels doing camps, conferences, and preaching. He introduced me to his friend who invited me to their church since ours isn't having serives tomorrow night. I'm super excited. He asked how long i had been saved and wanted to hear all about it and my life since. I have never seen someone so excited over another's salvation before. Thank you so much God for sending him to me. It was a huge encouragement to me today to meet another follower.

Choices Not Feelings.

So i have been learning a lot lately that love is not a feeling or emotion, but rather a choice. So even though my heart is bruised, my pride is hurt, and my dreams seem impossible now, i am not going to be driven by feelings. He hurt my feelings. It hurts just to see him. Everything in me wants to be mean, to be hateful, to hurt back. But God in me says no. He says he loved me when i was mean, hateful, hurtful, unlovable. He expects the same from me. So i have decided today that i am not going to be those hateful things. I am going to go against my feelings and against my emotions and love him, relentlessly, without asking for even graditude back let alone love in return. I am going to daily choose kindness over rudeness, love over hate, patience over frustration, gentleness over harshness and mercy over judgement. I am going to consciously choose to love him when it hurts, when i get nothing in return and when he is at his most unlovable, because that is where Christ found me. That is what He calls me to do. Choose. I choose love.

Passions.

I was asking God to reveal passions to me tonight and to be honest i wasn't really expecting him to, but he did. I began to ask myself what makes me excited and angry. I began asking myself what sets me on fire. Injustice does. I hate when things aren't fair. When people have too much when others have too little. I am passionate about meeting needs. And so although my world seems to be falling to pieces, some how among all of this hurt and brokeness i have found something to be passionate about. And i have been wondering if maybe i could channel some of these emotions into something productive. Could i take this bitterness and anger and hurt and loss and channel those things into passion for others? So, tomorrow i am going to actively seek out needs of others and try to meet them. Interesting stuff. God wont keep out of my personal life. He keeps invading my space and crazy things happen when he does that.

God Ordained Encounters.

Met a strange guy tonight at the bookstore. His name is Jo, not sure if that is short for anything or not. I was with Katie and Lauren and we were just sitting in the floor of the bookstore talking when he started talking to us. we ended up hanging out the rest of the night. He is very unusual. His sentences are complicated and random and seem to go in all directions at once. He doesn't seem to stay on one train of thought ever and follwing him is hard. However, i feel like meeting him was not random chance. We invited him to Bible study and i really hope he comes. No one i have ever invited has come before so this will be a first for me and very exciting. So here is to "chance" encounters with people and to the friendships that may follow.

Perspectives.

Working at a restaurant will definitely put things into perspective for you. You will meet some of the rudest, most self-centered people you can imagine. And it breaks my heart to realize they are like that because they have nothing to live for but themselves. I could not live as a lost person anymore. I am pretty sure the superficial, all about me lifestlye would bring to to kill myself. Literally. I need Jesus. I need a reason to exist, to live, to breathe, to fight, to love. I need myself to be emptied and refilled with more of him; eventually, hopefully all of him. I need his grace. I need his Love. I am so thankful that Christ saved me. That i was worth something, that i AM worth something in his eyes. The more i come to realize that the less other things seem to matter. Dont't get me wrong i still have dreams and longings and hopes, but the more i feel His presence the less those things seem to matter. I am a work in progress. But thanks to Christ i AM in progress. I am at work. Or rather He is continually at work in me. I am thankful to have a purpose now. Other people need to know about this. They need to know about Him.

Forgiveness.

Probably the hardest blog i have written yet. I am coming to think that i am a very prideful person because forgiveness(accepting and giving) has always been hard for me. But it hit me hard tonight. I need to forgive. More specifically, i need to forgive Jordan. I told him that i had. I told him that i didn't hold anything that had happened against him, but i have. I haven't forgiven him. And that is why i still hurt so much. And this is going to have to chnage, like so many other things lately. So, Jordan if you ever read this i forgive you. The hurt is still there, but i am not going to bring it up or hold it against you. You are forgiven. And we can move on and be friends now. The dreams are still there. The longings are still there. The hope is still there. But the hurt isn't. The unforgiveness isn't. The bitterness isn't. I still need your forgiveness though. We are going to have to talk about this soon, but i needed to write it out first. I needed to sort through everything before i said something incredible dumb. So, new lesson learned. Forgiveness is neccessary.

Realizations.

I was at the bookstore today(again) and i overheard a women talking to this young guy who was curious about magic and witchcraft. Apparently she was a teacher of it and she encouraged him to look into it more and even gave him her number and class information. My heart broke for him on the spot and i kneeled down in the floor to pray for him. I prayed for him the whole time he was talking to her and until he left the store. It opened my eyes to the reality that everyone is searching for something because they have theis longing in them. Everyone has a hole in their heart that is God sized. It made me realize that i am not living up to my responsibility as a Christian. We have one job and only one and that is to share the Good News. And how can we not? have we as Christians forgotten the immensity of what He did for us? Did we forget that we too were once lost and headed to eternity away from Love Himself? God break me everyday if that is what it takes to remember my purpose.

Thems Ascani Kids.

I LOVE those two kids. Seriously they are so adorable. Have you ever tried to make sweet tea with a 2 year old and a 5 year old? At the same time? It is an adventure let me tell you. It is also hilarious. These two kids are so precious and such an incredible blessing to me personally. They will try your patience, test your endurance, and make you resort to counting to ten to keep your cool. But they will also have you laughing so hard tears come from your eyes. Nobody makes funnier faces than Natalie and Toby's giggle has to be the cutest sound i have ever heard in my life. I am so glad these kids are in my life.

Broken Hearts For Others.

My heart is aching for my brother right now. He is going through so much having to deal with a tour in Afghanistan as well as cuba and a new wife. We have always been life twins in the sense that we always feel each others feelings. If one of us is sad the other picks up on it and feels the same even if we are states or countries apart. But i am glad my heart is breaking in pieces about him. Because he is constantly on my mind i can pray for him constantly. And prayer is powerful. So, i pray that God gives me a broken heart constantly so that i am constantly lifting up others to him.

Motivation.

Church was very uplifting today. was like being at a pep rally, you can't help leaving xcited and worked up. I feel very excited right now. About life, the future, everything. SO we shall see. I'm not sure what God has coming, but i am excited for it!

Weakness.

I don't know if i have ever felt worse than i have today. I was a sick little girl this morning. I was so frustrated through all the pain and sickness, but i learned something through this. No matter how angry or frustrated i got when i felt sick i was completely helpless to do even the smallest thing to make me feel better. And i relaized i am not much different in any other area of my life. I am weak. And i don't mean this in a negative way, but a truthful i am nothing without Christ. And thankful even at my weakest, his strenth only grows. And because i have Him. When i am weak the i am strong. Because he gives me his stregth. And it might not be in instant relief, but standfastness. Interesting the things he uses to teach us.

Family.

At the parents house for the weekend. it is so nice to be with the family for a while epecially with Kirk here. Times like these are so rare. I am looking forward to the next few days. I know this is a short blgo but i better return this computer before my little sister tackles me.

Eye Openers.

I spend the better part of the last 3 hours or so in the bookstore. I was reading a book about a college guy and his friend who took 5 months leave from college/work/family..to live homeless. They wanted to see if they could truly be content whatever the circumstances and share Christ with the homeless while living with them rateer than at a distance. It's a funny thing i found that book considering how i was praying on the way there asking God to show me what he wants me to be doing right now. not in the future, just what he is asking of me right now. Interesting. I have always had a heart for homeless ever since at the young age of 10 or so i told my mom i wanted to live with them so that i could love them. I'm not saying i am being called to live homeless for 5 months, although i shouldn't exclude that possibiltiy. But God is opening my eyes to the needs of others after way too long of self-focus. It is time to start meeting the needs of others insteasd of complaining of my plenty.

Desires.

I was in the bookstore tonight standing in the front of a aisle when i suddenly had the urge to front flip down the aisle. What in the world made me think that? I have had Gymnastics on my mind so much lately. Which sort of makes sense, since i have loved it since i was a very little kid, but also does not make sense because what would i do with Gymnastics at the old age(in Gymnastics World) of almost 21? Anyway it is a huge desire of mine to learn Gymnastics beyond handstands in my house and backbends in random places. Interesting, this late coming desire. I'm not really sure what to do with it. It seems significant right now although i am perplexed as to what to do about it. Since my other desire of being a wife is out of the question at the moment, it is interesting that this other desire popps up now. What to do with it. That is the question. God, what in the world are you up to?

God's Promises.

This post is for yesterday because i was exhausted and could barely drive home let alone write. I worked 12 hours yesterday starting at 4:30 in the morning. But while i was on break i was reading through my little New Testament that i keep in my car and i found the coolest verse. It is in 1st Peter and it says this "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood,a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellence of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." 1 Peter 2:9.


Look at what we are called:
CHOSEN
ROYAL
HOLY
HIS OWN POSSESSION


How could we ever deserve to be called any of those things?
But to Him that is what we are. WOW.

Peace and Quiet.

Today was awful. Busy, loud, crowded. I have never been so glad to escape to my car and listen to the silence. Best 30 minutes of my day.