Testimony.

I was thinking of my testimony last night and how i feel like i need to share it with the youth group. I figured it might help me get my thoughts together to write it here first. I will leave out a lot of the general stuff and focus on my biggest struggle and my high school and early college years because they have became such a central part of my story.


Okay so i was raised in church and i always assumed that meant i was saved. I didn't actually know what the word saved meant then because i did not go to a baptist church but i assumed i was a Christian because i had grown up in church, believed in God, and had been baptized which is all my church then taught was needed to be "saved". My life was pretty close to perfect until i turned about 15. I remember life becoming very distincly difficult after that. All between 15-17 my dad lost his job, my family left the church that i grew up in, my friends began to rely wholly on me for support and comfort and began overwhleming me, and my life pretty much turned upside down. I had a pretty tight knit group of friends, probably because i was homeschooled and most of my friends were from church and we spent the most time together. 15 promised to be a tough year as my best friend began struggling with an eating disorder, another close friend's mom died suddenly from cancer at a young age, and 2 of my friends parents divorced shaking up our church, circle of friends and personal lives. My friends saw my life as pretty perfect and although i had a good life compared to there's i was nowhere close to equipped to deal with everything going on in their lives and mine. They saw me as strong, dependable, unshakable, and their main comfortor. I wasn't expected to ever be sad, weak, angry or shaken. I was there when they needed somewhere safe to share something, a shoulder to cry on or someone to give them advice or make them laugh. And therefore i was never able to cry around them or fall apart. I had to hold them together. I couldn't afford to fall apart. I then decided to refuse to ever let them see me cry and then not long after that i just flat out refused to cry at all, even alone. My emotions began to bottle up. I have also always had a hard time talking to people about how i feel. I spend most of high school angry, confused, insecure and bitter at feeling left out because i could never find a way to express myself or share myself. The feelings were building more and more and it was only a matter of time before i broke. I started cutting when i was 16. It was something that equally repulsed me and fascinated me at the time and one night it just happened. Who would ever imagine one tiny decision could end up shaping the next 4 years of my life. I loved it instantly. I now had a way to feel, to express myself, and to destress and no one had to know. And for a long time no one did. I thought i had found the answer to all of my problems. I could now carry all of my frinds burdens, secrets, and pain and not be constantly overwhelmed my my lack of support. I was only fooled into comfort. Because now on top of my friends pain and problems i had my own pain and secrets to hide. I couldn't let my friends down by letting them see me weak and i couldn't disappoint my parents. I was stuck. I had a personna to keep up and i was working pvertime to do it. I would act my heart out around my friends lifting up thewir world's and shouldering all of their pain allowing them to cope and then i would go home, lock my bedroom door and create my own secrets. Those few year were the absolute darkest time in my life. I was angry, bitter, afraid, and insecure. I was all alone in my pain coping the only way i knew. I carried this darkness through many significant parts of my life including college, Global, Interning at Spring Place, Camp, and even moving back here in 2009. I was saved on October 15th 2009 which will forever remain the most amazing day of my life. It was when i finally relaized how much i needed hime, how desperate i was for him to become a part of me and never leave. I knew that day that if God ever ceased to be in my life then my life would cease to be because all purpose and meaning would have ceased. It took a long time and was teh result of a lot of active people in my life including my mom, The Spring Place youth group, Mark and Traci Ascani, Kenny Wells, and a lot of people God placed in my life. I will forever be changed. I want people to realize how important their stories are. Your story could change someone's life. Your storu could saves someone's life. We spend so much time feeling all alone like there is no one else like us in the world. It was my biggest struggle. My struggle for identity and acceptance dominated my life throughout high school and college. Don't let it do that for yours. Jesus is right there beside you ready to take ALL of your pain, your fear, your shame, your inssecurities, your mistakes. Your deepest, rawest need will only be met in him. He doesn't want you to havr to carry burdens(yours or anyone else's). He is right there. He has given you a story. A beautiful story of redemption, grace, forgiveness and purpose. And it's not over. You have to live it out. Not hide it. He has covered everything so you have nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of. There could be someone out there right now who is literally dying to hear your story, dying not to feel alone anymore, dying to find someone to relate to, someone who cares, who understands. By not sharing your story you are saying your fear is of greater importance than their life or slavation. Don't be afraid. Tell your story. This is mine.