Meeting Needs.

I knew i was going to have something awesome to blog about tonight. So tonight a girl i work with needed a place to spend the night. She had to get a restraining order against her mom because she almost got in a fight with her today when she came to our job. So i invited her to stay here. I am excited. I have been looking for a need to meet and here is my first opportunity.

Girl Time.

Can i just say that i love Jenny Lawless and Traci Ascani. I had no intentions of hanging out with either tonight but i am so glad my plans were changed. We had the best girl time ever just sitting in the floor listening to two kids scream and talked about a lot. it was great.

Cool Ideas and Positive Feedback.

I was thinking it would be cool to make up a personal newsletter about my life and all that God has been doing in it and sending it to people. I know that sounds kind of weird because mostly schools and churches do that not individual people but i might give it a try. I told a few friends about it and they were excited about the idea and quickyl replied that thye would love to receive it. I have only begun brainstorming so i think i will get off of here and plan some more.

Opportunities.

Interesting day. Had a manager job offer possibility thrown at me today. I was in shock. I am trying not to get overly excited about it, not because i am being negative, but so that i do not try to preplan my whole future out. I am leaving it in God's very capable hands and hoping upon hoping for the best. Which i know will happen. So whether it was an opportunity to see how i would react to a let down or an opportunity to shine it has been placed in front of me and i will make the best of it no matter the outcome. I'm not going to lie though, i had to contain myself so that i didn't start jumping up and down and giggling hystercally in the mall. That probably wouldn't have helped me any. Maybe this whole year of stress and exhaustion was preparation in disguise. We shall see.

Testimony.

I was thinking of my testimony last night and how i feel like i need to share it with the youth group. I figured it might help me get my thoughts together to write it here first. I will leave out a lot of the general stuff and focus on my biggest struggle and my high school and early college years because they have became such a central part of my story.


Okay so i was raised in church and i always assumed that meant i was saved. I didn't actually know what the word saved meant then because i did not go to a baptist church but i assumed i was a Christian because i had grown up in church, believed in God, and had been baptized which is all my church then taught was needed to be "saved". My life was pretty close to perfect until i turned about 15. I remember life becoming very distincly difficult after that. All between 15-17 my dad lost his job, my family left the church that i grew up in, my friends began to rely wholly on me for support and comfort and began overwhleming me, and my life pretty much turned upside down. I had a pretty tight knit group of friends, probably because i was homeschooled and most of my friends were from church and we spent the most time together. 15 promised to be a tough year as my best friend began struggling with an eating disorder, another close friend's mom died suddenly from cancer at a young age, and 2 of my friends parents divorced shaking up our church, circle of friends and personal lives. My friends saw my life as pretty perfect and although i had a good life compared to there's i was nowhere close to equipped to deal with everything going on in their lives and mine. They saw me as strong, dependable, unshakable, and their main comfortor. I wasn't expected to ever be sad, weak, angry or shaken. I was there when they needed somewhere safe to share something, a shoulder to cry on or someone to give them advice or make them laugh. And therefore i was never able to cry around them or fall apart. I had to hold them together. I couldn't afford to fall apart. I then decided to refuse to ever let them see me cry and then not long after that i just flat out refused to cry at all, even alone. My emotions began to bottle up. I have also always had a hard time talking to people about how i feel. I spend most of high school angry, confused, insecure and bitter at feeling left out because i could never find a way to express myself or share myself. The feelings were building more and more and it was only a matter of time before i broke. I started cutting when i was 16. It was something that equally repulsed me and fascinated me at the time and one night it just happened. Who would ever imagine one tiny decision could end up shaping the next 4 years of my life. I loved it instantly. I now had a way to feel, to express myself, and to destress and no one had to know. And for a long time no one did. I thought i had found the answer to all of my problems. I could now carry all of my frinds burdens, secrets, and pain and not be constantly overwhelmed my my lack of support. I was only fooled into comfort. Because now on top of my friends pain and problems i had my own pain and secrets to hide. I couldn't let my friends down by letting them see me weak and i couldn't disappoint my parents. I was stuck. I had a personna to keep up and i was working pvertime to do it. I would act my heart out around my friends lifting up thewir world's and shouldering all of their pain allowing them to cope and then i would go home, lock my bedroom door and create my own secrets. Those few year were the absolute darkest time in my life. I was angry, bitter, afraid, and insecure. I was all alone in my pain coping the only way i knew. I carried this darkness through many significant parts of my life including college, Global, Interning at Spring Place, Camp, and even moving back here in 2009. I was saved on October 15th 2009 which will forever remain the most amazing day of my life. It was when i finally relaized how much i needed hime, how desperate i was for him to become a part of me and never leave. I knew that day that if God ever ceased to be in my life then my life would cease to be because all purpose and meaning would have ceased. It took a long time and was teh result of a lot of active people in my life including my mom, The Spring Place youth group, Mark and Traci Ascani, Kenny Wells, and a lot of people God placed in my life. I will forever be changed. I want people to realize how important their stories are. Your story could change someone's life. Your storu could saves someone's life. We spend so much time feeling all alone like there is no one else like us in the world. It was my biggest struggle. My struggle for identity and acceptance dominated my life throughout high school and college. Don't let it do that for yours. Jesus is right there beside you ready to take ALL of your pain, your fear, your shame, your inssecurities, your mistakes. Your deepest, rawest need will only be met in him. He doesn't want you to havr to carry burdens(yours or anyone else's). He is right there. He has given you a story. A beautiful story of redemption, grace, forgiveness and purpose. And it's not over. You have to live it out. Not hide it. He has covered everything so you have nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of. There could be someone out there right now who is literally dying to hear your story, dying not to feel alone anymore, dying to find someone to relate to, someone who cares, who understands. By not sharing your story you are saying your fear is of greater importance than their life or slavation. Don't be afraid. Tell your story. This is mine.

Instant Answered Prayers.

So, was talking to God tonight on the way home from church and i was asking him what he wanted me to be doing. I feel so stagnant right now. I am bored to tears with life right now and i am longing to be DOING something. Well fast-forward about 30 seconds. You know when you pray for something and God answers your prayer...only not in the way you were hoping so you try to backpedal and you're like "uh nevermind God.." Yeah it was one of those moments. My entire testamony came crashing down along with the directions to promptly share it with the kids next week. Talk about freaked out. That would be an understatement. But i feel very strongly that i need to do this. *Deep breath* Okay God i'm going to trust you on this one.

Finding Your Own Kind of Beautiful.

I know this kind of blog is out of character for me and it is something i would probably put in another one of my blogs before this one, but i am genuinely thankful for it. I am thankful that i am enough. I don't mean that i am enough without Christ or anything like that. I mean i am happy with how i look. There are days when i am not qute as happy as others, but i have finally conquered the land of not pretty enough and emerged a beautiful princess. The curves i used to hate i now love and the imperfections i once tried to cover up i bare now simply because they make me who i am and that makes me special. I am no longer consumed by my ghost girls and they no longer have power over me. They hurt me and ridiculed me and walked circles around me critisizing my every flaw and now i have overcome them. I have become beautiful in my own way and they are gone. I hope they do not find any other girls to torment like they did me. I hope other girls can find this quiet beauty the Bible talks about, the kind of beauty God adores. True Beauty.

Religion vs Love

I was talking to a friend at the mall today. He noticed a notebook i was carrying which had different names for Jesus on it and began to talk about Islam and Muslims and how we believe in the same Jesus. He said the only difference was that Mulsims believe that Jesus was only a phrophet not the son of God but that was the only difference between the two religions. I say, that is one big difference! Also, he said that the Bible and the Quaran are the same, they teach the same things. When did Love and violence become the same? When did Jesus being a phrophet become enough for our sins? When did teh death of a great teacher become equal to the sacrifice of a passionate savior? The whole time he was talking his eyes looked...empty. There was only fire in proving his point not passion about his Love. And my heart broke. How can we share this Love we know? Because obviously we could debate and argue and condemn and none of those things work. Only Love will prove His Love. How can we share this incredible Love?

New Experiences.

So, i rode a horse today for the first time in years. It was awesomely amazing. The horse was pretty darn stubborn and only wanted to do things HER way so it took a while to adjust and she only believed in running not walking, but being on a horse with the sun on my shoulders, my hair dancing in the breeze and not a care in the world made for a very peaceful afternoon.

Remembering The Journey.

As i was driving home from the mall tonight my mind wandered back to the past 2 years. The struggles, the pain, the heartache, the growth, the Love, the direction. It is so easy to see now that God not only never left me, but he held my hand the whole way and often when i became tired or discouraged carried me for miles. I remember how poor i was when i first moved here both in sprirt and finanaces. God radically changed my life the fall after i moved here when he saved me. October 15th 2009 my life truly began. I will be 2 years old this fall and i cannot wait to celebreate! So, i am learning that we need to keep our eyes on the prize, but not become so enamored by the end that we lose sight of the Journey. This journey of the last 2 years has been shaping me, growing me, sometimes in very painful ways. Sometimes pain is the only teacher we listen to. It is interesting though. I was thinking of how these last 2 years were the most painful years of my life and most definintely the most difficult, but somehow they also been the most incredible. Seems impossible. How can pain be equated with joy? Maybe there aren't so impossible to coincide together as we thought. maybe we need both to experience them both fully. Interesting thoughts.

Sharing the Love.

I am feeling more and more led to share about this amazing Love we have. This unbelievable, uncomprehendable, unfathomable, undeserved Love that we have been given. And we are being selfish with it. Which doesn't make sense if you think about it considering one of the characteristics of Love is unselfishness. We are sitting around rolling in extravagant Love while the rest of the world settles for lukewarm lust or half-commitments. And we are okay with this. I am broken about this. We have got to share this with them. How can we stand around satisfied to just be in awe of the Love we have freely(on our part anyway) been given all the while content to let everyone else settle for what we once had to settle for. This has to change. We are Loved people. We are chosen people. We are people chosen to Love. We must Love.

Calls Outs.

It is funny the ways God gently calls us out on things. I have been feeling called out on my lack of forgiveness lately. It seems like every time i turn around i see a book or quote or song or verse on forgiveness. I have never been the kind of person to hold a grudge but i do often let unforgiveness make me bitter. After truly understanding the length Christ went to forgive us we would be crazy not to go the same length for others. At our best moments Christ still went much further than we will ever have to for others at their worst. I have also been learning the difference between apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Ackowledgement of our mistake is not enough we must offer ask for forgiveness of it. And also make restitution when neccessary. So, God is at work in me. Little by little i am changing.

UnSelf-Interested.

Today was my managers birthday and i couldn't believe how she made the whole day about her. She kept talking about HER birthday, what presents SHE got, how everyone needed to stop and sing happy birthday to HER. It made me sick. I have started wondering the point of birthdays and holidays lately. I can see celebrating the birth of Christ but not with gifts and i can see celebrating His Rising from the dead, but not with easter baskets. And why do we celebrate our birthdays? So we were born on this day every year. Big deal. Congratulations i lived another year. I mean what is the point really. The only birthday i am excited about celebrating this year is the day i was saved. I will be 2 years old this year and i absolutely cannot wait to celebrate that this year. I am saddened by the thought that my managers life is still only about her. I am amazed that i have a higher purpose now. I no longer have to exist i can live life fully now. I have a reason for living. I have a purpose. I am no longer me centered, but HIM centered.

Meeting Other Jesus Followers.

Today during break i was introduced to a man who is a traveling evangelist. He is a local who travels doing camps, conferences, and preaching. He introduced me to his friend who invited me to their church since ours isn't having serives tomorrow night. I'm super excited. He asked how long i had been saved and wanted to hear all about it and my life since. I have never seen someone so excited over another's salvation before. Thank you so much God for sending him to me. It was a huge encouragement to me today to meet another follower.

Choices Not Feelings.

So i have been learning a lot lately that love is not a feeling or emotion, but rather a choice. So even though my heart is bruised, my pride is hurt, and my dreams seem impossible now, i am not going to be driven by feelings. He hurt my feelings. It hurts just to see him. Everything in me wants to be mean, to be hateful, to hurt back. But God in me says no. He says he loved me when i was mean, hateful, hurtful, unlovable. He expects the same from me. So i have decided today that i am not going to be those hateful things. I am going to go against my feelings and against my emotions and love him, relentlessly, without asking for even graditude back let alone love in return. I am going to daily choose kindness over rudeness, love over hate, patience over frustration, gentleness over harshness and mercy over judgement. I am going to consciously choose to love him when it hurts, when i get nothing in return and when he is at his most unlovable, because that is where Christ found me. That is what He calls me to do. Choose. I choose love.

Passions.

I was asking God to reveal passions to me tonight and to be honest i wasn't really expecting him to, but he did. I began to ask myself what makes me excited and angry. I began asking myself what sets me on fire. Injustice does. I hate when things aren't fair. When people have too much when others have too little. I am passionate about meeting needs. And so although my world seems to be falling to pieces, some how among all of this hurt and brokeness i have found something to be passionate about. And i have been wondering if maybe i could channel some of these emotions into something productive. Could i take this bitterness and anger and hurt and loss and channel those things into passion for others? So, tomorrow i am going to actively seek out needs of others and try to meet them. Interesting stuff. God wont keep out of my personal life. He keeps invading my space and crazy things happen when he does that.

God Ordained Encounters.

Met a strange guy tonight at the bookstore. His name is Jo, not sure if that is short for anything or not. I was with Katie and Lauren and we were just sitting in the floor of the bookstore talking when he started talking to us. we ended up hanging out the rest of the night. He is very unusual. His sentences are complicated and random and seem to go in all directions at once. He doesn't seem to stay on one train of thought ever and follwing him is hard. However, i feel like meeting him was not random chance. We invited him to Bible study and i really hope he comes. No one i have ever invited has come before so this will be a first for me and very exciting. So here is to "chance" encounters with people and to the friendships that may follow.

Perspectives.

Working at a restaurant will definitely put things into perspective for you. You will meet some of the rudest, most self-centered people you can imagine. And it breaks my heart to realize they are like that because they have nothing to live for but themselves. I could not live as a lost person anymore. I am pretty sure the superficial, all about me lifestlye would bring to to kill myself. Literally. I need Jesus. I need a reason to exist, to live, to breathe, to fight, to love. I need myself to be emptied and refilled with more of him; eventually, hopefully all of him. I need his grace. I need his Love. I am so thankful that Christ saved me. That i was worth something, that i AM worth something in his eyes. The more i come to realize that the less other things seem to matter. Dont't get me wrong i still have dreams and longings and hopes, but the more i feel His presence the less those things seem to matter. I am a work in progress. But thanks to Christ i AM in progress. I am at work. Or rather He is continually at work in me. I am thankful to have a purpose now. Other people need to know about this. They need to know about Him.

Forgiveness.

Probably the hardest blog i have written yet. I am coming to think that i am a very prideful person because forgiveness(accepting and giving) has always been hard for me. But it hit me hard tonight. I need to forgive. More specifically, i need to forgive Jordan. I told him that i had. I told him that i didn't hold anything that had happened against him, but i have. I haven't forgiven him. And that is why i still hurt so much. And this is going to have to chnage, like so many other things lately. So, Jordan if you ever read this i forgive you. The hurt is still there, but i am not going to bring it up or hold it against you. You are forgiven. And we can move on and be friends now. The dreams are still there. The longings are still there. The hope is still there. But the hurt isn't. The unforgiveness isn't. The bitterness isn't. I still need your forgiveness though. We are going to have to talk about this soon, but i needed to write it out first. I needed to sort through everything before i said something incredible dumb. So, new lesson learned. Forgiveness is neccessary.

Realizations.

I was at the bookstore today(again) and i overheard a women talking to this young guy who was curious about magic and witchcraft. Apparently she was a teacher of it and she encouraged him to look into it more and even gave him her number and class information. My heart broke for him on the spot and i kneeled down in the floor to pray for him. I prayed for him the whole time he was talking to her and until he left the store. It opened my eyes to the reality that everyone is searching for something because they have theis longing in them. Everyone has a hole in their heart that is God sized. It made me realize that i am not living up to my responsibility as a Christian. We have one job and only one and that is to share the Good News. And how can we not? have we as Christians forgotten the immensity of what He did for us? Did we forget that we too were once lost and headed to eternity away from Love Himself? God break me everyday if that is what it takes to remember my purpose.

Thems Ascani Kids.

I LOVE those two kids. Seriously they are so adorable. Have you ever tried to make sweet tea with a 2 year old and a 5 year old? At the same time? It is an adventure let me tell you. It is also hilarious. These two kids are so precious and such an incredible blessing to me personally. They will try your patience, test your endurance, and make you resort to counting to ten to keep your cool. But they will also have you laughing so hard tears come from your eyes. Nobody makes funnier faces than Natalie and Toby's giggle has to be the cutest sound i have ever heard in my life. I am so glad these kids are in my life.

Broken Hearts For Others.

My heart is aching for my brother right now. He is going through so much having to deal with a tour in Afghanistan as well as cuba and a new wife. We have always been life twins in the sense that we always feel each others feelings. If one of us is sad the other picks up on it and feels the same even if we are states or countries apart. But i am glad my heart is breaking in pieces about him. Because he is constantly on my mind i can pray for him constantly. And prayer is powerful. So, i pray that God gives me a broken heart constantly so that i am constantly lifting up others to him.

Motivation.

Church was very uplifting today. was like being at a pep rally, you can't help leaving xcited and worked up. I feel very excited right now. About life, the future, everything. SO we shall see. I'm not sure what God has coming, but i am excited for it!

Weakness.

I don't know if i have ever felt worse than i have today. I was a sick little girl this morning. I was so frustrated through all the pain and sickness, but i learned something through this. No matter how angry or frustrated i got when i felt sick i was completely helpless to do even the smallest thing to make me feel better. And i relaized i am not much different in any other area of my life. I am weak. And i don't mean this in a negative way, but a truthful i am nothing without Christ. And thankful even at my weakest, his strenth only grows. And because i have Him. When i am weak the i am strong. Because he gives me his stregth. And it might not be in instant relief, but standfastness. Interesting the things he uses to teach us.

Family.

At the parents house for the weekend. it is so nice to be with the family for a while epecially with Kirk here. Times like these are so rare. I am looking forward to the next few days. I know this is a short blgo but i better return this computer before my little sister tackles me.

Eye Openers.

I spend the better part of the last 3 hours or so in the bookstore. I was reading a book about a college guy and his friend who took 5 months leave from college/work/family..to live homeless. They wanted to see if they could truly be content whatever the circumstances and share Christ with the homeless while living with them rateer than at a distance. It's a funny thing i found that book considering how i was praying on the way there asking God to show me what he wants me to be doing right now. not in the future, just what he is asking of me right now. Interesting. I have always had a heart for homeless ever since at the young age of 10 or so i told my mom i wanted to live with them so that i could love them. I'm not saying i am being called to live homeless for 5 months, although i shouldn't exclude that possibiltiy. But God is opening my eyes to the needs of others after way too long of self-focus. It is time to start meeting the needs of others insteasd of complaining of my plenty.

Desires.

I was in the bookstore tonight standing in the front of a aisle when i suddenly had the urge to front flip down the aisle. What in the world made me think that? I have had Gymnastics on my mind so much lately. Which sort of makes sense, since i have loved it since i was a very little kid, but also does not make sense because what would i do with Gymnastics at the old age(in Gymnastics World) of almost 21? Anyway it is a huge desire of mine to learn Gymnastics beyond handstands in my house and backbends in random places. Interesting, this late coming desire. I'm not really sure what to do with it. It seems significant right now although i am perplexed as to what to do about it. Since my other desire of being a wife is out of the question at the moment, it is interesting that this other desire popps up now. What to do with it. That is the question. God, what in the world are you up to?

God's Promises.

This post is for yesterday because i was exhausted and could barely drive home let alone write. I worked 12 hours yesterday starting at 4:30 in the morning. But while i was on break i was reading through my little New Testament that i keep in my car and i found the coolest verse. It is in 1st Peter and it says this "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood,a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellence of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." 1 Peter 2:9.


Look at what we are called:
CHOSEN
ROYAL
HOLY
HIS OWN POSSESSION


How could we ever deserve to be called any of those things?
But to Him that is what we are. WOW.