Peace and Quiet.

Today was awful. Busy, loud, crowded. I have never been so glad to escape to my car and listen to the silence. Best 30 minutes of my day.

Witnessing Salvations.

Salvations have been happening weekly or sometimes more lately at church. And not just with youth. It is so cool to see God moving hearts and being able to be a part of someone's life when Christ comes in and changes then radically. It's pretty awesome. Just saying...

Momma.

Today i am thankful for my wonderful mom. We talked today for over 2 hours. Some stuff was sad, but still a much needed conversation. It is so easy to get caught up in life, but i have to stop and not forget about the precious people who have stood by me through everything. My mom has always been my biggest supporter, encourager and prayer warrior. And of course shrink, chauffer, doctor, teacher, nanny, maid, and biggest rival. So we may have knocked heads a few times pre-salvation, but i just want you to know mom I LOVE YOU!

Malcolm.

Forgive me for posting something shallow in the midst of my usual deeper things to be thankful for, but i have to give my little malcolm at least one blog to shine in. Who would have ever thought a turtle could be so amusing and adorable. He makes me laugh at least once a day by either making faces against the glass of the tank or freaking out when i sneak up on him and nose diving off of his rock. Animals are awesome :) So my little Malcolm i am so glad you made your way to my house after journying to Keri and Jordan's.

Revelations.

I am been reading Job today and i have realized that i have a huuge problem with control. I have some desperate want/need to always be in control. Maybe this is one thing God is wanting to teach me through this time in my life wher ei feel like everything is out of my control. I need to learn to trust Him completely with everything, in everything. I have two huge things i have to let control go of in my life right now. My relationship with Jordan and my uncertainty of what i am supposed to be doing with my life. Not that i don't want or shouldn't seek out answeres but i have to let control go of these two things. They belong to Him not me and he already decided long ago how each of these situations is going to work out. He also already know my wants, needs, and desires. So i can let go of them now rest assured he has everything taken care of.

Not Knowing Everything.

I hate surprises that i don't know to expect. I don't mind people ruining the ending of movies or reading the last chapter of a book first. I like being surprised, but only if i know about the surprise a least a little a head of time. I don't know if i am making sense or not. But anyway, today i am thankful that God doesn't let me know everything. Because if he did i think i would miss out on a lot of awesome worship with him. I don't think i have ever worshipped as deeply at any other time as i do when i am deeply hurting or suffering in some way. Pain brings us closer to him because it is through pain that we realize our deep need for him. So, whilei would love to know which if any of dreams will come true or whether he will ever decide to marry me i don't know. I do know though that i serve a BIG God who has everything taken care of and i can rest assured in that. So bring on the surprises!

Christ's Costly Free Gift.

How precious is Jesus to me. I was thinking just now about how expensive that free gift was he gave us. It costs us nothing but accepting his love and it cost him everything. What is even more unfathomable is how he would gladly die for us over and over again if only to win our hearts. How could we possibly compare such incredible love with the love of humans who are corrupted, selfish and self-seeking. Even the best of us will never even come close to love like that. I don't think we fully grasp the fullness of what he has done because if we did we would never move from the ground. We would constantly be falling on our faces overwhelmed by this comsuming love. I am overwhelmed by it. My mind can't seem to completely wrap around the hugeness of what he did for me. I pray that he reminds me daily of this love so that he is the only one i am chasing after. What else compares to this kind of love? Is other love even worth much after being loves like this?

Such A Big God.

I am so thankful to have a God who is so much bigger than i give him credit for. He is all powerful, all wonderful, all just, all merciful, all loving, all compassionate, all knowing and everyone all at once. How can we dare to look up at the stars and see creation in all of its splendor and dare question God's ability to take care of our tiny, insignificant world. Can he make the world continue to orbit? Sure, no problem, but yet we don't think he is bog enough to take control of our life. How is thinking even possible?

Quiet Time With God

I was too tired to write yesterday so i will do both today. Yesterday i was thankful for quiet time with God. 5 hours alone in a car will make anyone start talking to someone. I got a lot of bad feelings out was i think i am ready to trust him with it all now.

Never Changing God.

I am so thankful that God's moods don't change and that is he the same yesterday, today, and forever. I am so thankful Grace doesn't depend on how we live. I am so thankful salvation does not depend on us. Thank you God for always staying the same, for loving the unlovable of which i am the most, for offering grace freely to us despite the overwhelming price it cost you and for saving us because of your great love and not because of our pitiful lives.

God Given Joy

Thank for today for Joy God. I don't like my job at all and staying joyful there is one of my biggest struggles. But today you filled my with your Joy which was not only a help with making the day pass faster but also helped me in showing your love to the customers and my fellow employees. I know staying in your word and talking to you has helped me to have this Joy so please help me to keep this up.
Please send some help Jordan's way though God. I talked to him last night and he sounded sad and very discouraged at having to work today because he struggles at his job too. If it pleases you daddy help him to be broken over the people he meets today employees and customers alike. I know he has so many talents and longs for a job in the ministry or at church or with music, but you have placed him instead where he is for a very specific reason that only he can accomplish. Please reveal this reason to him daddy and fill him with your Joy. He might be the only Jesus any of these people see tonight so please help him to show you. Thank you again for him daddy. I am in awe of how incredible of a man of God he has become and i am so proud of his hard work, dedication and passion for you. Help me to be an encouragement to him in any way i can and to keep in constantly lifted up to you especially now as he is seeking your will.

All Creation truly can't not worship.

Today at work i thought of the verse that says that all creation will praise him whether they think they ever will or not and how even if we don't the rocks will cry out praise to him. We play a Christian radio station at work and some songs have played so much that employees have started to memorize them without even noticing they have. They were joking around today singing the chorus of this one song over and over. I know they weren't serious or seeing it as true worship, but it made me smile to see Scripture come to life and God being worshipped even if unintentionally. It made for some awesome worship for me today. So, thank you God for showing how you will be praised no matter what.

My best friend.

So things aren't the same between us right now and i am slowly discovering that is okay. More than okay. Sure, i would love to still be a couple like we have been for almost 3 years now. It is hard being what we are because to be honest i'm not quite sure what we are. We aren't dating as you said, but neither are we normal friends. I think you are right that this time should be about us growing, both as individuals seeking out God's will and direction and as best friends. You have no idea how happy hearing that i am your best friend made me feel. It is all i have ever wanted. Not that i don't love you or i am not attracted to you because i definitely do and am, but there is nothing like having such a best friend as you. Someone who knows my fears, insecurities, failures, passions, and dreams. Someone, not to freak you out with the word, but someone who knows me so intimately. In a best friends sense. So, thank you for being the strong one. Thank you for taking your rightdul position as the man and authority and leader and stepping up and making a hard decision. It was rightfully yours to make and i am proud of you for doing it. It is proof that God's will is your focus and not my happiness or even yours. It has been hard adjusting and accepting, but i am trying very hard. This is going to be another growing year i think. I am thankful to have you for a best friend to be there with me during this growing time. God is all powerful and all knowing and all loving. Agape Love you Jordan.

Our New Pastor.

I have to admit he is pretty cool. He has answered so many of my questions that i have had for a long time. Not that other people ignore my questions but Mark is too busy to answer questions and a lot of other people are just not educated in the Bible enough to answer them. But Paul has not turned away a single question. He even looks forward to my pestering. Which is pretty cool. I am learning a lot of things and also i am being motivated to look deeper in the Bible. So, thanks Pau for going above and beyond your job requirements and not forgetting about me.

Distractions.

Normally are a bad thing. But i have been so thankful for them these past few days. Without them my mind is constantly on the run and that is overwhelming. Work, reading, blogging. I am trying really hard to accept this as God's will but it feels all wrong like a shoe that doesn't fit right. And i am trying hard not to let this get me down. He deserves his space and his feelings are the most important right now. But all i feel is this heavy sadness weighing me down. I drag around because it is so heavy and i am so tired.

This Journal.

It sounds like i couldn't come up with anything to be thankful for and that is partially true. Today has been crap. Didn't go to church. I slept late, and read and blogged until i got on my own nerves and had to get out. So, i went to the bookstore and read another book. But, i have been restless all day. I can't stay in one place without getting bored after so long. I miss him.

But i am not going to go on and on about that. So, today i am thankful for these blogs because already through them i can see change and growth and that is cool. Also i want to remember this time of my life even the really crappy parts like now.

Pain.

I know, this sounds kind of a morbid way to start a blog. And it doesn't usually top my fav. ways to learn or grow. Lately, though i have been seeing more and more how pain is one of the best teachers and sometimes the only one able to get through to us. I now find it ridiculous that people try to use pain as a way to disprove God. Sure, God could snap his fingers and do away with pain, but if we could see as much as he can would we still really want that? How many times have we allowed our children or friends to suffer because we could see the bigger picture and how that was the only way and see how much good was going to come from it? Simple things like the dentist or shots or learning to ride a bike. All painful, all neccessary to learn or grow. And what if pain didn't exist? What if we didn't feel pain? We could touch a stove for hours and not feel a thing. But that wouldn't stop our skin from burning and scarring. Pain says "Hey watch out!" or "I know you feel incabable, but you are going to see that you can do so much more than you ever dreamed." Pain doesn't disprove God it screams his existence. Pain, i am learning is another way to Glorify our Glorious Savior. To take the light off of ourselves and put it back where it belongs. Because a life without pain is a life not needing a savior. And anyone can turn and give a little praise to God when things are good, but how about when things get tough? That's when true worship begins to surface. That is when our purest worship, our God if you don't show up now i am done and so knowing you will show up i am praising you already kind of worship begins to form. Give that up for a life without pain? No thanks. Not interested. So, God i'm not sure what you are up to right now. My heart is still as bruised as it was 3 days ago when he said goodbye. And my heart still says I will love him until the day i die, but whatever you are giving me this pain for i'm gonna praise you. Because you are worth it. You are worthy and incredible and all wonderful. And i love you.

A God is in Control.

I know this is pitiful, but i am having a hard time finding something to be thankful about today. My life is falling to pieces right now and i can't do anything but sit back, watch, and wait for the storm to be over. I have no say so in anything that is happening right now except how i react to it. However, in all of this black darkness there is a beautiful light not at the end waiting for me to come there, but right here in this dark blackness shining right beside me, holding my hand, showing where the next step is. Thank you god for not leaving me after all of the times i have left you. I need you now more than ever.

An All Knowing God.

I am thankful that God knows my past, present, and most important my future. I may not know what is coming or what things my happen that i might not like, but it is enough for me that my God knows all things and therefore knows how to prepare me for them. I don't understand why all of this is going on God or what i am supposed to do. But you know and you are more than enough for me.

Worship.

Today i am thankful for Worship. It has to be one of my favorite ways to spend time with my Creator. For one thing it has so many possibilities. We aren't limited like some religions by only being able to worship with music or song. We have a much bigger God than that. We can use any aspect of our lives to Worship, such as music, creation, serving others. Really we can worship God through all of our life. So yay awesome God for giving us this incredible gift that we can give back to you over and over.

Dreams.

I was thinking about dreams today. Not dreams that you have in your sleep, but dreams that you have in your heart. Wishes, desires. How incredibly huge is our God that he can also give us the amazing ability to dream. We aren't just robots programmed with instructions, but we are people made in the image of the creator of the universe. And because he loves is so much and to help keep us in step with him he allows our heart to long for things. All girls i think dream in particular of their wedding day. I have to admitt it is a dream i also have often, although i try not to let it become more important than is right.

But i dream even more of not just a wedding day which is nice, but of being a wife. I have prayed constantly trying to find what God wants me to do with my life. And i have a lot of passions. I love writing. I love people. And i love music. I think they are three of my biggest loves and passions. But not a single thing in any of those areas ever grabbed my heart and said "This is it!" "That is what i want to do!" And i didn't understand why. Why would God give me all of these passions with no desire to become any of them?

And the more i prayed the more things became clear. God has planted in my heart a huge, beyond my understanding desire to immerse my life in ministry. Not as a leader, or in a band(although i used to dream of that when i was younger), or anything in the spotlight. But as a helper. Which i have to admitt i didn't care much for at first. I mean who wants their calling to be a helper? But then i began to relaize that i did want that. Because i have begun to realize more and more that my greatest dream is to simply be a wife of someone in the ministry. I don't want center stage or a career or a job. I just want to be a helper.

Which is perfectly inclusive of all of my talents. I can use any of them or all of then even as a helper. And although this is farthest from what i once wanted, now it has become my greatest dream. To be a wife. And not just any wife. But the wife of someone in the ministry. Which sounds weird to most people. But if i'm not used to weird by now then i never will be. My dreams have never been normal. Which i guess suites me perfectly because i am far from normal. And i have began to become more than okay with that. So, i don't have a clear picture of the future yet, but i know:
1. who i am- made in the image of my awesome creator and designed to worship him.
and:
2. My purpose- To worship him in everything.
and:
3. How to worship him with my life: serving as a helper in the ministry.

2011 looks pretty exciting :)

Never Having to Worry

A month or more ago i requested a direct diposit at my job so that my money would go straight into my account. It usually only takes a week or so, so i was annoyed more than three weeks later to find out that it still hadn't gone through. Little did i know my daddy was at work busy planning a surprise for me. The day before our giant snow storm my direct diposit somehow goes through. Coincidentally(or not) right before our town freaks out and shuts down. I would have no money in the band if it weren't for God's provision. There are many names for God in the Bible but my favorite has always been Jehovah Jireh, which means God is my provider. So, thank you daddy for the surprise. :)And this is what i am thankful for today.

Seeing Growth.

Jordan and I were talking last night about how how our relationship has changed and grown and how we were glad and liked i. I mean being 17 and giddy in love was cute and i think every relationship needs that stage, but really who wants to stay like that?If we never matured past that stage our relationship would never grow any depth. We would never learn how relationships require commitment and not just feelings. Relationships would be blissful but short lived.


Anyway, that got me to thinking about how much i have loved seeing growth in other people these past few years. I could name countless people i have had the opportunity to see grow, especially spiritually and i am loving it :D How cool is it to meet someone and then be able to be such a close part of their lives that not only do you get to see God working in their life upclose but you get to become apart of that amazing process. There is so much more i want to say but it is time to leave for church. Maybe i will write more tonight. A part 2 of sorts.

Writing.

Writing has always been a HUGE passion of mine and latelty i have felt is the only thing i am truly good at. I have been looking for ways to use that talent to help others instead of selfishly using it for attention and praise. I have started a website/blog to help girls have a safe place to write their thoughts and express their creativity. That is still in the infant stage right now, we shall see how it turns out. Also i have been using notes on Facebook as a way to open up more lately and the turnout has been great. I am excited about this new revelation on recognizing the talents we have been given and using them for His Glory. So, thank you Jesus for writing.

Change

I never thought i would be thankful for change. I used to be the type of girl who at the first glimpse of change would dig her heels in and put up a fight. Lately however i have been learning the importance of change. The lessons it teaches, the growth it encourages, and even surprise, the blessings it can bring. I feel a ton of changes coming this year. I don't think i will even be the same person by the end of this year. But i am ready. I don't want to fight change this year and miss out on all of the adventure and excitement. I am excited to have this blog to keep track of all that this year is going to bring. Here it goes!

Compassion

Compassion is one of my favorite qualities in others. Like yesterday, i felt awful. It was twice as bad because the whole beginning part of the day had been perfect. And then it hit me out of nowhere. pure exhaustion, everything hurt. And what did he do? He kissed my forehead. Sometimes his compassion completely shocks me. Not because he usually isn't but because it is usually undeserved. So thank you Jordan for being compassionate.

God's Word

I was listening to david Platt this afternoon and i couldn't help but realize how incredibly spoiled we as Americans are. I know that just myself, personally, i have over half a dozen Bibles. All different styles, sizes, and translations. Not to mention the dozens of other religious books i have. And to find out that there are countries where people risk their lives to get a copy of even just a piece of the Bible. Countries where people memorize whole books because they know it could be taken away. How did we get to here? How did we get to place where we collect Bibles like DVD's? Or turn Holy days until a self-centered Holiday? How did we take Jesus himself and turn him into a more comfortable, prettier, American Jesus who was cautious and safe? How could we do that to Jesus? I am disgusted with myself. Oh God, please change me.

God Placed People

Today, i am thankful for the incredible people God has placed in my life. I would like to personally thank as many as come to mind.
First off:
I love you Mom. No one has gotten on my nerves more than you. But No one has also ever encouraged me or loved me or prayed for me more than you. You are amazing.I hope to be even just a little like you one day.
Daddy: I am such a daddy's girl. There is nothing i love more than to hear my phone ring and know it is you checking on me. I love holding your hand and cuddling next to you. There could never have been a more perfect dad for me. I have compared you to thousands of other daddy's and you have always beat the all. You were the best provider, listener, music buddy, fellow video gamer, and partner in crime. I love you.
Emmy: Little sister. I can't believe how old you are getting. I remember when you were so itty bitty, looking all chinese like and adorable with your dark hair and bright eyes. I was the worst sister ever for you. But it time for that to change. You are so incredibly beautiful. And talented. And Sweet. With an awesome sense of humor. I think of you constantly and pray for you as much as you come to mind.
Kirk: Gosh, you were my best friend growing up. No one knew as many secrets as we knew about each other. Some of my best memories are with you. I am so proud of you. I cannot believe you are married. And almost 22. I remember back when we used to dream about being this age. And now, here we are. I love you Big brother. Don't settle. Above everything else please don't settle.
Peaches: Girl there will never be a friend more perfect for me than you. No one else has gone as far, or broken as many rules, or defied weather, family, friends, school, or pressure than you so that we could hang out. We have the greatest memories both from long ago and more recent. When i think of some of the best times in my life,you are there. I love you. You are truly everything a best friend could ever be.
Keri Ensley: Need i say more? :D Keri you are all the awesome in the world in one rockin' girl. Thank you for locking me in your car all those nights until i was brave enough to talk. Thank you for being honest and real. Thank you for all the hugs. You are the coolest person i know as well as the best song writer. Keep living for him!
Patrick Tisdel: For winning the award for the boy that i disliked the most upon first meeting, you somehow also win the award for being one of best friends i have ever had. You didn't have to drive me around all those days and nights just so i could watch the guy i love's band practice 3 days a week. You didn't have to pick me up for lunch all those days i was lonely just to cheer me up or text me every songle day i was gone to remind me that i was missed. But you did. Thank you.
Traci Ascani: haha you should have just heard the accent i used just then to say your name. Yes, i said it outloud. Cause i'm a nerd. Have there ever in the existence of the universe ever been a kinder soul than you? I think not. You are the closest thing to Jesus i have ever known. I have never known anyone else so genuine. I love you so much. All those talks we have had while chasing down two kids, while stirring spagetti, while forgetting to cook the noodles, while vacuming the floor all at the same time. Man, we are a pretty awesome team :) I just really love you. I have never wanted to be more like anyone as much as i would love to be like you.
Mark Ascani: You weren't anything that i expected before i showed up at Global(finally). But you have been such a positive influence for me. I am hard pressed to find someone with more passion and vision than you. Sure, there were times you stressed me out, or annoyed me, or made me roll my eyes, but i will never forget all the things i have learned from you. Things like the powere of prayer, growth through sufferering, and seeking God's will no matter the cost. So, thank you.
Jenny Bunny: I have loved watching you grow. Girl, you are so beautiful. In so many ways. Future husbands watch out, your future wife is a knockout :D But you know what else? You have such a sweet spirit. Such a love ofr hurting people, such an awareness of the people that are beyond notice or recognition from others. You have a depth to you that others don't always get to see. Don't be disappointed because of the lack of real men at your school. God's got greater plans. He loves more than anything in this world. Keep looking closer at him because your future hottie is hidden in him.
The Whitton's: I am so glad God brought yall here. I fought God about it at first. To tell you the truth, i wasn't real sure what to think of you guys. And i sure put poor Paul to the test with all the questions. He must have thought it was part of some secret extended interview :D But i already love you guys. Paul, Shelly, Macy and Bailey. I am so excited thats you are here, full of passion and a love for the kids here. They need it. I'm praying for you guys!
Lastly Jordan:
Our friendship has been such an incredible journey. I look back at it and marvel at how much has happened since we met over 3 years ago. How much we have grown, and changed. There are so many things i adore about you. Your compassion is one of my favorites. You are honestly the most compassionate person i know. Your gentleness and never ending patience with me never ceases to amaze me. I love the faces you make that are so distinctly you. I love the strength that you have. The ability to take whatever life throws at you and make it good. I love your love for other people. And your talent blows me away. You are incredibly talented Jordan. I have been blessed to be able to be even a tiny part of your life. I have loved getting to know your family and you getting to know mine. I love playing guitar with you. You have been there through some huge parts of my life like moving and Global and even being a part of my Salvation. There are so many things i love about you. But the thing that it is the most precious is simply the friend part. All the times i thought i had lost you or i was losing you, it was this part that made my heart cry. The thought of losing my best friend. You are truly my best, best friend.

Grace

My only resolution this year is to give thanks to God for something everyday. I have never kept a praise Journal before but that will be what this is. I will post something different i am thankful for every single day. So here's to day 1. And yes i know today isn't January first, but today will have to do.

Today, i am thankful for Grace. I spend so much time looking at my sins, shortcomings, and failures that i sometime i forget about the Savior who washed them away. Thank you Jesus for your Grace. Help me to show it to others. Especially to those who seem to deserve it the least or don't appreciate it.