Spiritual Bulimia.

haha i know this title sounds weird and gross but hear me out. So i have a had trouble lately with negative emotions. Jealousy, bitterness, anger, fear... it goes on and on. I was probably dwelling in the land of if only's too long one day when God was like okay we need to work on this. I know this sounds crazy and you can blow it off like God would never say that, but seriously i heard God say Callie, you got to throw this up." I was like "what???" And He was like "you can't just stuff down emotions because everything that goes down ALWAYS comes back up." He said "you have to get rid of it, and it might come back just like people get sick more than once in their life, but you can't push down emotions and expect to get better because they will poison your insides and eventually kill you." Not the kind of messgae you expect to get. haha so i look like a total weirdo, but everytime a negative emotion creeps up i give a little gag and let it go. No physically throwing up haha just mental. And as bizarre as it sounds it always works. So, enjoy the weirdest spiritual blog you will ever read :D

Going All the Way

I was reading a book at the bookstore a couple of days ago and it was telling the two different times on the cross that Jesus was offered wine to drink and why he only accpeted one time. I had assmued before that the two instances were probably just two different perspectives of the same story. But the author explained how Jesus was offered wine before the he was cruxified and after he was on the cross and the first time the wine was offered it contained gall which contains a sedative. The second it was offered to fulfill the scriptures and because Jesus called out that he was thirsty. He could have drank the wine the first time it was offered and been given even a tiny bit of relief, but he didn't. Why would he not do that? Because he loves me. He refused to be given any relief for his own suffering so that when i suffered with no relief he could understand my suffereing. He chose not to sedate his own pain so that he could be with me through my pain. How could i not fall in love with a God like that? A God who refused to numb his own suffering and pain so that he could carry mine. I love Him.

A Faithful Father

This year has been tough and the last few days have been the most emotionally exhausting of my life, but God has been there for all of it and that is the most comforting thought ever. The future is still cloudy if not altogether impossible to read, but God is faithful and i have determined to put my absolute trust in Him concerning everything.

Grace.

I know this was my original blog entry title, but honestly there is nothing i am more thankful today than for God's unbelievable, undeserved, beautiful, life changing, soul saving Grace and i could love and worship Him forever for that alone. I was a self-loving, controlling, selfish, bitter, jealous prisoner of my self until God transformed me. It is by Christ's grace alone that i stand here and that i am saved. God you are worth everything. Thank you thank you thank you for Your Grace.

Suffering.

I have been reading a book called "If God is Good" and my eyes have been opened to the concept of the worth and purpose of suffering.

Last.

Last post for a while. I am going to miss writing and sharing, but everything comes with a price; even disappearing.

Privacy.

Everything seems to be going wrong all at once. This has been the hardest year if my life and i am having a hard time seeing any good come any time soon. I am so glad that i live alone so that i can fall apart without the whole worlds eyes on me. I have a feeling i will be faling apart pretty often.

Party Time.

Tonight was one of the best nights ever. The party was beyond greater than i expected and i am glad we were able to pull it off. Cheers to a great night with even greater people.

Sticking it Out.

I wanted to leave work early so bad today because i was feeling so crappy but i am glad now that i stuck it out. Because fighting through the pain and tough times helps me to realize i am stronger than i knew. It will help me know that next time i can make it through.

Sick.

This is for yesterday because i was way too sick to write. I know being sick is a strange thing to be thankful for but i am because with sick days i would get way too accustomed to well days and lose my gratitude for them. So, despite all of the crying and moaning i am thankful for the days i hurt or am sick because it makes me all the more appreciative of the better days.

The Word.

I was reading Psalms last night and although i thought they were beautiful before i never realized how life applicable they truly are until now. I guess because i have never quite gone through as painful a time as i am now and most of the Psalms are about pain or distress. They have been a huge encouragement to me lately.

Encouraging friends

Yesterday i got to talk to a very old friend of mine. We both happened to need encouragement that day so we were both surprised when we realized we had not stumbled across each other by accident but had been brought together for mutual encouragement.

Convictions.

I was thinking today about how much i miss spending time with Jordan, especially talking at night. he hasn't called in 3 days and it has been hard not to see him or talk to him. I feel so disconnected from him. I miss knowing all of the little things about his day. And then it hit me: God must feel the same way about us. He must want to know us. And spend time with us. And hear all of the little things about our day too. The God of the universe misses me. How could i not want to spend time with Him?

Sad.

Sad seems like a strange thing to be thankful for and even now it is hard to summon up any thanks for it but i have to be thankful for the sad times and not just the good ones. And it will only make the happy ones better. Trying to keep a better perspective.

Gifts.

Super sleepy so i will add more tomorrow but to get to the point tonight was about learning our spiritual gifts and everyone marked mine as Intercession, Service/Help and Exhortation. Interesting...

Resolve.

Got into a little disagreement today and quite a few hurt feelings but glad it all worked out.

Into the Wild.

Watched this movie tonight and it stirred old desires. I have always wanted to ust take off and survive for a few months at least in the complete wilderness. Just pack a bookbag and scrimage for the rest. Get less of me and more of nature.