Decisions.

I have come to the painful conclusion: I can love him or i can be selfish with him, but i cannot do both. I have hope. However, i also have to let go.

Information Overload.

The more i read the Bible the more questions i have which would annoy me except i realize the more questions the more answers and that leads to the potentiality of endless knowing about Him :D

God Time.

This week i am trying to spend more time with God. Which means facebook, internet in general, hang out time, and pleasure reading are on hold. It has been nice. I am learning a lot about myself and a lot about Him.

Moving On.

It is offical. We are moving on. Or rather he is, i seem to be standing quite still.

Changes.

It is funny the things you realize about people after you are a little older and hopefully a little more mature. I am beginning to realize a little bit more what it means to respect guys especially futuristically in a husband. Guys like their opinions and ideas respected. Even if they are a little unsure of what they say or even know they might be wrong. I think some of the best advice for marriage is something i read in a book where it said to let the husband have their role as the head of the house so that we are free to be the heart. Makes sense. It is hard to know how to respect guys sometimes. It seems like we are never free to have out own opinions or to be right. But i don't think it really means that but rather as the woman we need to be more humble. So i haven't figured it out all but i have seen a lot of women intentionally or unintentionally put down their husbands or impose their ideas on them rather than allow their husbands to be the head and in charge. I don't want to be this way and i think before i realized this i was headed this direction. So hopefully i am learning still. Slowly maybe, but learning all the same.

Stretching.

So, i made it to my parents house today all by myself. I have to admit i am a little proud.

God's Strength.

I need more of it. But I am thankful for what He gave me today. Tomorrow i will need more.

Little Reasons To Smile.

Just saw pictures of yesterday at the park. Despite the crappy day i had to laugh.

Act Like a 4 Year Old Day.

Me and Kayla went to a park today and totally acted liked 4 year olds. It was awesome. Worries, stresses, everything flew out the window and for an hour I was the happiest i have been in a long time.

Working Through.

Apparently last night bothered Pat a lot. And it seemed like today was going to suck because of the tension but i am glad we have all become more grown up and learned a=how to maturely handle conflict.

A Good Laugh.

Shared a good laugh with Lauren tonight when we hacked into Pat's facebook and played around with it.

Sunday.

It is so nice after a stress filled week to have a day for nothing more than worship and rest. Seriously i couldn't make it through a week without it.

Hungry.

One of the biggest desires right now for me is learning. Which sounds lame i know. But i really, really want to go to a Bible College. No amount of books i read or questions i ask or documentaries i watch seems to be able to satisfy me. I want to study hebrew and Greek, I want to learn Jewish and Egyptian Culture, I want details! The problem is i only feel desire. I don't feel led or called to a particular school. Instead i feel this nagging need to stay here longer. Which is completely against what i want. Why is that?

Letting Go.

Tonight is another baby step forwards. Tonight i wrote down all of the things that i have been clinging to, trying to control, or refusing to let go of in my life... and i burned them. They are nothing but ashes now. Which reminds me of where i came from before God came and made beauty out of them. The less i am of me the more of Him i can fill up with.

Contact.

Better start geting better at keeping up with this blog or Kayla will find out and set me straight. I never thought i was one for physical touch. I mean, i'm not anti touch or anything but i never thought it was a huge deal for me. Until now. Maybe it was because i always had it in some form with Jordan and now i don't. And it's hard. I miss being touched by a guy. And i don't mean that in a weird or bad way. But to girls aren't built for hugs the way guys are. Sometimes i want to be held so that i feel safe or hugged by someone stronger than me. Girls can't do that. I never realized how nice it is to be held by someone stronger than me and to feel safe. I think it is what i miss the most.

Living Alone.

I haven't been thankful for this in a while but tonight i couldn't be more grateful. I really thought i had moved past this but tonight the whispers are too hard to ignore. I don't seem to have much to lose anyway.

Doing LIfe Together.

So i am loving this new study we are doing on Tuesday nights. Today was pretty much a sneaky way to get us to share our testimonies and...I LOVED IT. I loved getting to know everyone a little better. This is what real church is.

Time Out.

I can't believe i keep skipping blogs. I am going to have to work on this better. Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in feelings and emotions which are so temporary that we can forget that our words can hurt. I am learning the importance and stepping back and letting myself cool down. That way i can let others know how i feel without being controlled by my emotions.

Rest.

Today was confusing. It started out great then went to bad then turned okay. Jordan and i argued today which wasn't fun because we have been getting along so well lately but at the same time i learned something from it. I had always assumed before that when we argued it was because he wasn't getting what i was saying or he was being selfish or mean, but after thinking very intentionally about what we argued about today i was realized we simply had misunderstood each other and we had just had a a very different thought on things. he wasn't being intentionally rude and neither was I, we just assumed things and both of our assumptions were a little wrong in a way and contradicted each other. I have never realized how often we probably do that. I am glad that i realized this so that i will recognize next time it happens. I think the nap i took today helped to make me able to understand this.

Less Of Me.

The more i have been realizing others struggles and problems the more i realize that there are a lot of people without Christ in their life. And it breaks my heart. There are so many people stumbling around walking in circles when help is right there. With so many people needing prayer and support and encouragement where do i find time to worry so much about my insignificant problems?

A Little Better Than Neccessary.

This is for last night since i was too tired to write. Last night i went to Hannah's for a game night. We ended up playing Say Anything which is a crazy awesome awkward game. I think we all know each other a little bit better than we would have liked and i will never think of desks the same but it was fun lol

Encouragement.

God knew i needed some extra encouragement today to make up for this week and today was encouragement overload. First a day off to rest, then Chip and Zip hang out time, then time with Jordan which is rare and wonderful, then encouragement from mom, and finally i got to end the day by encouraging a new friend. Thanks God.

Baby Steps.

So i shared my testimony tonight. It was a huge deal for me and despite how i felt it was very freeing for me. Jordan and Maci did an awesome job leading worship tonight and i don't think i would have been able to share without them. After worship i was so relaxed and at peace that i was able to share rather than be afraid. I am excited to have overcome this obstacle.

Discussion.

Tonight was interesting. It was nice to be able to see how other people view things instead of just knowing my own opinions for once. Granted, having discussions late at night could probably be a bad thing considering we are all tired but it was still good. I would have liked a discussion on something else though. I feel we all left with the same belief we came in with, not that we had to change, but i would have liked to discuss something we were a little less familiar with. It seems all discussions seem to be about the same few things. anyway it was good, as was worship on the way home.

A Friend Like You.

This blog is for Kayla or rather about Kayla. I haven't liked someone so quickly as you in a long time. I have a hard time making new friends because i am so different form most other people. But you are fast becoming a very very good friend. Talks under the bed tonight were awesome as was giving dinner requests in funny voices. So, i am thankful that i met you.

Learning.

I have been soaking up information like a spnge lately. I have been reading dozens of books and watching countless documentaries on Creation vs Evolution and different beliefs and Religions. Not sure what i am going to do with all of this information but i am enjoying the accumulating of it.

Discovery.

Lately i have been trying to figure out the things that i am passionate about. And tonight one thing really stood out. I hate injustice. I hate when things are not fair. I hate that so many people have too much while others have too little. It makes me sick to realize the amount of food restaurants alone throw away while people are dying simply because they are hungry. So things such as natural disasters and the economy are enough to bring tragedy on their own, but people dying because they are hungry? This is something we can do something about. So this is going to be my goal:help relieve needs that i can do something about. Where to start?

Continued Growth.

So, i miss you. Things haven't gotten a bit easier, although i think i am growing through all of this. Which might be the point. I was immature and selfish beyond belief and probably would have made a terrible wife. I have been learning a lot lately although i am far from where i need to be. I still long to be married though. I have felt lonliness to the point of tear almost daily. I don't think i could stand a roomate because i love my privacy, but at nights i am so alone and it gets harder every night. But God has allowed this which means it has a purpose. I feel like i am being tested in every single area of my life right now so be patient with me if it seems i am learning slow or even sometimes not making any progress at all. Work becomes more stresful everyday and the lonliness at nights eats me sometimes it is so strong. But i want to come out of this strong and looking less like me and more like Him. Bear with me. I need a lot of support right now.

Newsletter Phase 1.

Still working on my newsletter. I have made a mailing list as well as an email list for my friends or family overseas. I have made a first draft of what i want it to contain and i have just starting working on the name and layout. I would like the name to be something in Greek or Hebrew but we will see. I am excited to get my first copy made but i am going to have to look at examples. I have never formatted a newsetter before so this will be stretching and growing my writing skills.

Hearing Others Stories.

Tonight is a sad night online. It seems everyone is posting things about death. I am trying to stay online too much but i do love the chance to in a small way peek into others worlds. It helps me keep mine in perspective. Suddenly a bad day at work pales in comparisom to violence in other countries or the death of someone's baby sister. There really are bigger problems than mine. I need to be reminded of this when mine try to overwhelm me.

Friends.

This blog is for last night because i was way too tired to write then.
So to night was awesome. It was especially awesime since the first part of the day was the absolute worst in a while. I met Kayla, Philip, Patrick, and Katie at the trade center and we watched a Chinese culture show thingie. It was pretty good or atleast interesting. Then we rented a movie at redbox which reminds me i need to return today. Apparently my choice wasn't an all around winner because Patrick and Katie both decided to go home. Too bad for them because Dispicable Me was even better the second time I watched it and I had the greatest time watching it with Kayla(my new favorite friend), and Philip(also a new favorite friend). Afterwards being the prangster lovers that Kayla and I are with our accomplice Philip we decided to cause a little non damaging chaos to Katie and Lauren's apartment. Needless to say their are little notes everywhere as well as reorganized upside bookshelves amung various other things. It made for a pretty awesome night and a much better day.